“But no one told me that the quote-unquote “loss” of that pre-baby body can be freedom. That you don’t realize how much you are imprisoned by your relative bodily proximity to, and striving toward, a mainstream ideal until you decidedly “lose” your ability to perform some piece of that ideal.”

My uncle lived in Germany for YEARS and speaks excellent German, and would always pretend to be a dim tourist for police and ticket-checkers. I don’t even think he particularly cared about the €2 or whatever, I think he just enjoyed it.

In elementary school, my best friend moved away quite suddenly (missionary parents) over the summer and I was devastated. We were very close and neither of us had other friends.

I’m reading many of these replies.  Some are sweet, some are funny, but too many of them are just disturbing.  I fear I’ve made a horrible mistake.

I told a small lie on a resume that then became a complicated lie.

When we were kids, my mother was married for a few short years to an autocratic, halfwit hillbilly type asshole who decided he was gonna be “dad” to us four kids. Lying became survival with this tool, and he knew we were always fucking with him because he was just smart enough to realize he was probably being fucked…

In the 8th grade my elderly history teach died suddenly mid year (and at his desk). We had a very nice school regular sub take over. We had this huge year long project that was assigned day one and was supposed to be turned in at the very end of the year that was a large chunk of our grade. It was supposed to be this…

I am currently in the midst of my most complicated lie ever. It’s actually a pack of lies and I’m weaving a tangled web. I’m going to Paris soon to celebrate a milestone birthday year for my spouse and myself. I am surprising him with our kids who will meet us there. One of them we haven’t seen in a year. So plane…

One summer during college I was nannying in NYC (not where I went to school) and was on the subway reading a book. This cute guy started talking to me about it and since I was never going to see him again I did what my best friend and I ways did - I pretended I was somebody else. An English somebody else.

“22 hour fast daily” which in turn feels like “time slows down,” causing “days [to] feel so much longer.”

Going to go eat breakfast before work so that time doesn’t slow down and make my day feel even longer than it already is. Thank for the hot tip, digital bros.

Marriage.

DO NOT WANT.

As a Bernie supporter that voted for him in the primaries in 2016:

I had a girl knock on my barracks room door as a 19 year old army pfc. She asked for someone I'd never heard of, then asked if she could come in. She was cute and I was 19 so I said yes. Within about 2 minutes we were going at it; after 3 rounds in 2 hours she said she had to go, thanked me and left. Never even got…

I’m back in my home town for a visit. Fire up one of the adult friend-finder apps, as you do, and see someone drop-dead gorgeous. He’s in town because he’s on the crew of a TV series. A little taller than me, but built like a fireplug, with a great face, and a beard I want to stroke for days. We meet up, then head…

If you’ll accept an outrageous impromptu session, rather than a one-night-stand, here’s my submission.

After a (unnecessarily) long relationship ended, I really needed to keep myself as busy as possible, so I joined an animal rights group. I met L, a really fun and cute goth girl who was also recovering from a break up (yes, this sounds like a bad idea from the start). We were really into each other and we decided to…

I had been in Guantanamo Bay for six weeks and attended a Hail and Farewell for my command. I got drunk and went home with a doctor. We made out and once in bed he asked in a baby voice “can I put my wiener in your butt?” I had two choices: leave or pretend to be asleep. So the next morning I gathered my clothes and…

I was at a new years party that a friend was hosting. It was a pretty standard nye until right at the end. It’s about 230am, most people have gone. I am pretty wasted, head to the spare bed room to pass out. Not to long after, a girl who was a friend of a friend, comes in, lies down next to me and says “wanna fool…