Stand in front of a mirror.

oh my god, my first dog used to do shit like this with rocks. there was a very specific sequence of events.

I can start fires with my thigh friction.

Pretty much. I'd be mad at him for legit reasons and then he'd send a "sexy times" text. 20 minutes and 4 orgasms later I was resting my head on his chest wondering what the fuck I was mad about.

I have come to the conclusion that good sex makes you do stupid things. Good sex makes you think with the wrong body parts.

See that's the thing. You find a guy who can do that and you let him get away with murder...because he can do that.

When I was 15 I used to steal my parents car in the middle of the night, drive 15 miles through LA to my girlfriend's apartment, where she would sneak up to the roof so as to avoid her ex naval officer father hearing us and subsequently murdering me, and have gross teenager sex until 6am. Then, because my girlfriend…

I want to win a pissing contest so, so badly, and doing ridiculous shit for sex might just be the one thing I deserve a gold medal at. I'll give extra stories to show my desperation:

Got drunk watching an Archer marathon with my Ex a year after we broke up. We then engaged in a two year friends with benefits relationship that lasted longer than our official relationship. I finally ended it when I told him I still had feelings for him and hoped that this would lead to more and if he couldn't give…

I once had a torrid, three-year relationship with a guy that was seriously hotter than Brad Pitt at peak Legends of the Fall. I am not kidding. The sex was frequent, lengthy, and phenomenal.

Same with cats. No matter what toys you buy them they always gravitate to household ephemera. And the world's best scratching post won't save your couch.

Ok well you can send me the kitchen. I am deeply enamored of toy kitchens, even though I have a house with a real kitchen that I use mostly for making coffee and taking bites directly from the block of whatever fancy cheese my husband bought last. But the toy kitchen I had as a kid? The greatest thing that has ever…

"But what do you expect with creatures who eat crayons and spend half their time trying to take their clothes off?"

On YouTube, one comment was that the cat saw a dog. But, yeah, I sure hope it's not a medical problem.

The best cure for that is to read more things in your down time that are well-written and/or by respected authors - books or at least research-length articles - as opposed to blogs and bite-size articles with limited vocabulary meant to appeal to the lowest common denominator of readers.

It looks like Colonel Snazzypants and the Good King Snugglewumps have, sadly, already been adopted

My local humane society had a cat up for adoption named Edgar Allen Purr. I WANTED HIM SO BAD.

Honestly, wedding favors of an iPod seem like the rich person's version of "fuck, we forgot about favors, what's something we can pick up quickly?"

I'm really happy for Amal and George. However, it has become quite useful in using their example when people ask me why I'm single, not really looking and not all over internet dating. FWIW I'm 38.