This was a long walk but I starred you for the effort to get there.

It’s that list, cross-referenced with a list of restaurants without locks on their dumpsters.

The actual Tomsula Index is a list of businesses that will let you use their bathroom without having to buy anything. 

It’s embarrassing when you try to make a smart joke and just end up showing the crowd your epidermis.

Troposphere sounds very TOPosphere so you couldve continued to fool my dumb ass

“I have probably never laughed harder than I did just now when I opened a reader email and learned that the troposphere is the lowest level of the earth’s atmosphere. ”

Welcome to America in 2019, where Arians claim to be helping a Gay but really just want to set them further back.

Elway should just sit the guy down and say, “Look, I’m not sure if you know this, but ‘holding’ is when you try to get smart and grab a guy instead of just pushing him back. So maybe don’t try to have such Clever Hans next time?”

Hangry means pissed and hungry, a common part of the human condition. ‘Hanger is blinding’ means you are so fucking hangry that you say and do stupid, mean, reckless crap that is perhaps out of character. You know, like you see red whenever Trump is in TV. Oh wait, I’ve just made it all about me. Unlike this person…

Hangry = hungry and angry

It’s truly the rotting corpse of the woman in The Shining of pep talks.

I recently lost a ton of weight (like 65 pounds). My secret was that every time I was about to eat something unhealthy, I would think about Jameis’s “eat a W” speech. Lost my appetite immediately. Dang near turned bulimic.

But as long as the time is well-spent, then fair trade. I say from my cubicle at a job I hate.

“Malaise on 3!  MALAISE!”

Pretty much, except for the fact that Jake Busey isn’t a jackhole, while the other three . . .

I hope they don't fire him quickly. I want Tomsula as a head coach for as long as possible.

Meatball sub is the "8-8" of sandwiches

That was the perfect laugh to launch a three-day weekend, thank you

I'm not convinced this isn't a Jimmy Kimmel prank. This guy clearly subsists on bar peanuts.

"I would not say that. I wouldn't say it either."