Do you think the Earl of Oxford spent countless nights restlessly tossing and turning in bed, as he relived that fart over-and-over again? I bet he tortured himself with counterfactual fantasies about how life would’ve unfolded if his asshole had not betrayed him.

I moved away from Pittsburgh in 2008 and every football season (AND draft day(s)) I spend the entire Sunday viciously arguing about the team, via text, with my best friend from the Steel City. This how it works: we each take turns pissing all over each other for being too pessimistic or optimistic, depending on what…

He seems like a really cool guy—with his flamboyant suits, God-fearing Ferraris, and socialism(?!): https://www.facebook.com/billy.boucher.75

I think we found our little racist firecracker: https://www.facebook.com/billy.boucher.75

I second the “kids shoved it in” theory, but part of me wonders if it’s a workaround to meet a weight threshold during quality control testing at the manufacturing facilities. Perhaps a substandard component reduces the weight by a fraction, but enough to trigger a QC anomaly?

Since the first episode, I’ve had a hunch that Theresa Cullen (the surly, chain-smoking operations manager) is a robot—who serves as a kind of spy (or surveillance tool) for Dr. Ford.

“You wanna fuck me?”—

When I read this comment, I hear Comic Book Guy’s voice.

This whole development has Danny Ocean’s fingerprints all over it; it stinks to high-heaven.

When I was nine-years-old—and two years deep into my parents’ divorce—I moved in with my father, after spending the first two with my mother. He lived in a modest, but nice two-bedroom apartment and, like my mother, trusted me to get home from school and entertain myself until he got home from work in the evening.

My…

Agreed (mostly)—especially when contrasting this viewing experience with any matchup featuring Nick Saban and Alabama. I’m not even a fan of the Crimson Tide, but Saban’s team is so fucking wound up in his monolithic, zero-sum culture that by the end of the game I find myself wondering if my failure to grasp the…

“Just as so many predicted a little over six months ago, when he first announced the addition of his beloved “Bitey,” boxer Floyd Mayweather is missing and presumed dead - a single, bloody shoe is all that remains of the champion.”

Nike’s Air Max Light hit the shelves around the same time I started 6th Grade and I quickly succumbed to the hype—adding a growing sneaker obsession to the upsetting existential amalgam of Middle School. To convince my mother to spend $120 on a pair of goddamn shoes for an 11-year-old asshole, I concocted a story…

I’m not sure what bothers me more about this; the bald cognitive dissonance, or the lazy invocation of deeply embedded racism.

Daniel Snyder’s lawyers don’t understand that trademarks cited do not categorically “disparage...or bring people into contempt/disrepute” a specific racial or ethnic group. The fact is that millions of people—myself included—are proud of their JIZZY UNDERWEAR.

I’m starting to think that if an advanced civilization continues to evolve and avoid extinction, or near extinction, from a cataclysmic event that the statistical probability of an imminent extinction event—natural or induced—curves upward toward a state of near certainty; a threshold reached when the parent star is…

My wife organized a high-stakes game of Risk with our closest friends—the plan was for everyone to get together at another couple’s house, socialize and have a few drinks, before officially starting the game. I decided to set the tone by talking shit and generally exuding supreme confidence in my strategy; a tactic…

Being a Steelers fan means accepting that—on some level—I am fundamentally a dirt-bag.

The two franchises should be merged into a single team called the Los Angeles Dong-Masterz; a straw-man franchise would become the fourth team in the AFC West and automatically go 8-8 or 6-10 every season, based on a coin flip.