A hot dog is almost the size of a rat, so I’d have to eat a hot dog the size of me to be in trouble.  Anyone wanna watch me eat a 300lb hot dog?

Why would a bartender tip out a waiter? The bartender makes the drinks the waiter sells to the table. Waiters are supposed to tip out the bartender. Bartenders tip barbacks. Johnson didn’t even consult someone who ever worked as a waiter before he made this shit up.

Calling someone a terrorist monkey isn't a joke, there's no punchline.  

Because in 1981 there was a solar flare that changed all future human genetics?

Best part is noone under 35 would have been a Mr Rogers viewer.  Blame Mr Rogers for millennials when most don't even know who he is.  Whatever you do don't tell them the generation after millennials is old enough to vote now

If he stomped him dead after he pushed him, he'd still be alive.  

Haha, he means you're like a Victorian lady.

It was about a three year old growing up and getting a blow job from a tree, you picked the only tweet that wasn't offensive

I would do several rough drafts of a letter to a goat or a penguin to get it just right.  Weed for an hour everyday.  Wait real world days for fossils to be appraised.  Not a second of any of that felt wasted.  Iggy is still the best friend I ever had.

Men are also terrified by a return to medieval attitudes towards women.  Well except the incels.

Cancelled!

Explain what you liked about Pruitt, how he was qualified, why all the taxpayer money he used ridiculously is a good thing.  I'm not asking about Trump.  Pruitt, why do you love Pruitt so much it's a shame for him to be mocked?

Yikes, does a woman have to end up dead for these creeps to be happy.

I worked for UPS for about three weeks and they never paid me, and when I asked why they didn’t pay me they acted like I was scamming them

Youre fucking stupid

She should have called 911 an hour earlier and said “send someone asap to stop this poor family from eating garbage, asap, they think there's chicken in the chicken!  If they're allergic to soy or gluten or Play-Doh they'll die!!!"

I wish your “mom” had had an “abortion”

That sounds kinda fun

You should change your name to Chris Cunto

The question was a customer asking if they should tip.  At no point in the question did a barrista ask for a medal.