One seat is for your girlfriend. The other seat is for your other girlfriend.

First you complain that I don’t have a good relationship with you mother. Then you complain that I do. What the hell do you want from me?

We make the creation of euphemisms for farts something of a national sport down here. Trouser cough is one of the oldest.

Judge: “Sgt. Barnes, what justification do you offer for why you shot and killed a deaf man with developmental disabilities who was carrying a metal walking stick?”

Go up to man with stick. Claim you’re scared of stick. Kill man. Enjoy paid vacation. Claim murdered man was “no angel”. Collect extra overtime quelling the protests after you’re cleared of any wrong doing.

“There’s at least one animal from Australia that won’t poison you or bite you in half and it is as durable as it is cuddly.”

oh how cute, now hold my beer

While being buried up to almost the roofline like that means it probably was going to get written off by insurance anyway, the fuck gives some asshole in a douchebro truck the right to feel like it’s ok to drive over the top of it? And that lamesauce excuse of “Well... we weren’t the first or the last to do it...”…

BMW forgot the kidney is part of the grille, not the grille.

You say this as its a bad thing

Sometimes I want to just stand on the street corner with a sandwich board telling people to buy Mazda’s.

Ah yes, The Forgotten Man. The poor white guy who has somehow been “forgotten” and led down a dark path by a nefarious....Darkie. White men of the past can only wag a shamefilled finger as Obama destroyed America.

I recommend a creative interpretation of the rules.

Donald? Is that you?

I mean, the whole point of cinema sins is to be nit picky and purely for comedy. At least you didn’t go on a massive double twitter rant after they said mean things about a movie you made...

My sister is a nurse practitioner. Her job is very difficult, stressful and at the same time she finds it rewarding because she saves children’s lives every day. I cannot express how angry this story makes me and I only wish his firing is the least of the repercussions he will face.

You’re basically describing a Range Rover. The upper-spec models are quite luxurious on the inside, and they’re all quite capable of some serious off-roading.

It’s lorry

If you’re not willing to wear a helmet while operating a car/truck/tractor/bicycle/horse/racing snail/etc. then you really have no business nannying a motorcyclist who chooses to let the wind flow through their hair.

Never, EVER, estimate the stupidity, gullibility, or general idiocy of religious people.