You just said pus volcano. On how many levels is that wrong? All the levels. There is no level on which that is not wrong. I feel like the universe should apologize for allowing that sentence to happen.

Are you experiencing any other symptoms? Like, does this make sense right now:

Sore throat = death?

How do you know you don’t like the texture? ... unless you HAVE tried pasta!

I think you’ll find she’s actually three koalas in a trenchcoat. Because as I said, she is Australian.

Lord, grant me the confidence of a mediocre white man with a boner.

I didn’t read any outrage in those tweets, just some genuine head-scratching and a healthy dose of sarcastic humor. And the comments here mocking the dude’s awful writing, and weird characterizations (like Audrey Hepburn exemplifying an American) are hilarious.

Ikr? A bunch of armchair spectators know nothing about a decision that had to be made within minutes if not seconds. The same armchair spectators who would be happy to condemn the zoo had the child died or been seriously injured for not shooting the poor Gorilla soon enough.

He's withholding judgement until he decides whether they are sufficiently bangable before he acknowledges their existence.

Drumpf said the Cincinnati Zoo “probably had no choice” in the killing of a gorilla in May. The jury is actually out on this one.

she’s actually three toddlers in a trenchcoat, but sexy because they’re wearing nothing underneath

I noticed that too. My conclusion is that his grandkids aren’t him, so he can’t see how they’d hold anyone’s attention for more than 60 seconds.

I was curious, then I was bored, then I was angry at how long the article was and how little was being said, then I scrolled really fast because it was fun to see the words blur, then I clicked away without finishing. What the ever-loving fudge. Someone decided this was an important thing to write about?

It was a simpler time. (To be Rich Cohen.)

Also there were no runway models and every woman was Rich Cohen's girlfriend.

Winner of the tl;dr.

So I only skimmed this but what I’m hearing is that we need to waterboard Trump?

First draft:

In America 1966, summer was in January and everything was poisonous. He’s just stating facts.

Beautiful, concise and good to see. That’s exactly it. If police officers were willing to take themselves to task, people would see them differently.