Correction: fat Chris Pratt is hot. This Chris Pratt does nothing for me.

Never settle... unless being alone makes you more miserable than being in a bad relationship, in which case get therapy to realize you should not have settled.

Goddamn the mental gymnastics needed to say that the trans bathroom isssue should be left to the states but somehow MARIJUANA needs to be federally-regulated! The hypocrisy is maddening.

Please don’t isolate Katy Perry’s vocals.

I literally just about have a stroke every time I turn on the news. I used to love the news. I enjoyed keeping up with events. Now I just feel like I am in a Kafka novel.

This could possibly by the most pretentious thing I have ever read.

If you ever hear about me being arrested, and I think you will, it will be because they found me hiding naked in the Patriot’s locker room.

This show sounds about as interesting as listening to my co-workers endlessly discussing crossfit and marathons while eating tuna straight out of the can at lunch.

Secretary of Gaslighting sounds like a great new name for her position.

Did your professor also have a string of pearls hung next to the article for people to clutch while they read it?

You’re making nuclear doom sound more and more appealing.

She is terrible. She’s a beard for bigotry.

My baby’s too bootylicious for YOUR babe?

He was given the saddest present.

Electric slide?