I was registering for my wedding and had to explain to the guy working there that my chef’s knife selection was very important because the President gave Charlie Paul Revere’s knife and balance is very important.

Except audible doesn’t give you rectal damage. Unless you’re listening to Rush Limbaugh.

“Quick pitch to Andy Cohen: A new Real Housewives of D.C., but it’s just John Boehner smoking cigarettes on a golf course and going to the tanning bed and stirring the pot in Congress by proxy.”

I buy random pez because my 13 month old niece LOVES the dispensers so then I have the pez and what is a gal to do? EAT THREE PACKS IN LESS THAN 10 MINUTES APPARENTLY.

i wouldnt be surprised if she eventually EGOTs

One of those chains has a local commercial spot with the host of our local radio morning show basically saying, “Guys: Is your girlfriend nagging you about getting engaged? Look, us guys don’t know anything about rings, amirite bro? So go to [giant diamond chain], and they’ll hook you up. That’s where I went.”

Spending $21k on a ring at Kay Jewelers is like buying a fois-gras-caviar-wagyu burger from White Castle.

I was lucky enough to run into the homeowners during the inspection (and again later when they had a garage sale). They were supposed to leave but were running late (they were elderly). They had been in the house for 40 years and since the kids were grown up and out of the house they were moving into the country. Very…

I can’t even deal with Prince George. I just want to nom on his little cheeks!

Fuck those tile bands so hard. Also fuck tile “features” on the backsplash behind the stovetop in the kitchen.

That's just it: I don't think their choices are basic because it's about resale: I think they're that tacky and unoriginal. She practically grinds up against the granite slabs, and he pees himself over whorehouse light fixtures. They've shown their house, and it's just as bad as their projects.

I wonder if this suit is against the Canadian people or the American ones—I hate the American ones even worse than I hate David and Hillary.

Flip or Flop? Those people are the woooorst with the most basic taste. Laminate floors, travertine tile bathrooms...

literally who cares if it isnt aurora and mulan

I put herb butter on my turkey. Just rub it all over the fucker. And don’t forget about the breasteses . Gently pull the skin apart from the breast meat and stuff a bunch in there. Holy hell it puts it over the top like Lincoln Hawk.

Unfortunately I’m in the DC bubble, IE, everything is prestigiously expensive to fit the county of Fairfax. First time homebuyer here, and I wanted to add a simple deck to my new (old) townhouse. TEN GRAND. Goodbye.

I know exactly what makes my dog most excited. Well other than me coming home of course. And greenies.

Lets play the game of what would Obama do first if he got his hands on a dragon?

This is some pretty adept viral marketing for Finding Dory. Kudos, Pixar.