I'm so sorry to hear that, you have my deepest sympathies.

Her writing is full of imagery but seriously needs some workshopping. On the other hand, making your reader nauseous with hundreds of vague metaphors is definitely a skill so I don't know how to feel about this.

I will say this: It's better than Fifty Shades of Grey.

That looks like Jaden Smith's tweets strung together into a blog post.

the baby is me & the glorious dancing apes were those sentences

She said "who wants to hear about Paris Hilton?" I started squealing and doing my excited dance, which is just my hands balled up into fists shaking real hard. I was in her immediate sightline so she said "that is one excited gay" and mimicked my movements.

If one more person tells me the history of "St. Louis Bread Co." I am going to explode. You think I don't know? I know. I know more than you think I know. I know this fact so well that it is engrained in my brain for eternity. I could get severe memory loss, forget my name and the names of my siblings, but I would…

I made the mistake of clicking on the Gerber sandwich link:

"I really thought waffle cones were discovered in St. Louis. Like, we had a whole week about that in middle school."

As someone who grew up with a Missouri education, I really thought waffle cones were discovered in St. Louis. Like, we had a whole week about that in middle school. I wonder what else they lied to me about.

My family and I moved to St. Louis when my dad got a different job and the first night we moved in, we ordered Imo's pizza which is the go to place for "St. Louis style pizza." Imagine eating really sweet tomato sauce on a cracker with plastic glue cheese melted on top and you have St. Louis pizza. Our first…

Fun fact: Jesus actually came to St. Louis first. Both mainstream Christians and Mormons got it wrong. I mean, why else would the second-highest position in the Catholic church be called Cardinals?

As a high school teacher, I watch relentless pursuits on a regular basis. As I much as I feel sympathy for young people in the throes of unrequited love, I will personally intervene if I witness harassing behaviors. Just had to gently, but firmly, ban a kid from coming to my class in any hour that wasn't the one in…

Mmmm, I like watching you sleep. And 365 days from now, I'm going to murder you and and eat your kidneys for dinner. It will be fun, I promise.

Way to screw up her birthday forever after the divorce.

Private? BUT IF A PROPOSAL HAPPENS IN A FOREST AND NO ONE IS THERE TO HEAR IT, DOES IT MAKE A SOUND?

Remember before the Internet when people just fucking proposed with a goddamn ring in a champagne glass/piece of chocolate cake/etc.?

Can I mention how lucky I am to have a man who made me wait at a spot at Glacier National Park for 5 minutes for 4 other people to leave in order to ask me, quietly, to marry him. No videos, no cameras, no audience. I am lucky.

My husband, not overly sentimental, says to me on Sunday "Aww, did you see that latest proposal video? It's cute."

How to make a proposal all about you 101