MY MAID OF HONOR WAS A LENTIL!

Ladies and gents: I’ve been here at Jezebel for a loooooooong time now and I would like to welcome you all to Jezebel Wedding Bingo. Here are some of your squares

-City hall
-Simple dinner with friends
-Marriage is pointless and sexist
-Engagement rings are sexist
-Wedding dresses are sexist
-Choosing to take your husband’s…

I just love it when, after a lifetime of searching, a person finds their porpoise in life.

I read “alcoholocaust” and accidentally giggled out loud. I’m really sorry. Because this is horrible and tasteless and truly upsetting but something about that name triggered a response that I....am embarrassed about. It’s just...a pretty good name. Sorry guys.

what I judge these photos against:

staph infection

I feel like I can’t compete with the writer’s story, but for me it was a period/virus combo. I had clots the size of guinea pigs dropping out of my vagina as I sat shaking on the toilet shitting my brains out while throwing up into a trashcan.

Uh oh. I accidentally saw an email last night that my cat sent to this photgrapher setting up a special photography session with his wonderful owner NEXT WEEK.

two american kids killing toddlers in the heartland

Little Ditty with Jo and dying.

I loved those wedding shows for a while. Now, I’m all about Property Brothers and Flip or Flop.

Even though the concept of a United States of America didn’t exist until the late 18th Century.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

As a former delivery driver for several years in the 90's...Fuck you for making me risk life and limb for your $5.99 plain pie and offering me a whole dollar for my efforts. I’d rather go home with no money. Man up and open a can of soup.

There should be a special state law that says if you make a delivery guy deliver without tipping him in the middle of a storm, he should legally be able to throw you down the stairs. The higher up you live, the more steps he gets to use.

“their place of fitness” I'm going to start referring to everything like this. The Mexican restaurant is now my place of tacos.

I feel like a total asshole for saying this, but this is actually an alpaca.

Even celebrities have idols.

THEY DON’T EVEN HOVER