She used to have $1.4 million.

Now, how on earth does someone so stupid even have 1.4 million to begin with? I am doing life wrong.

"He calls me his flower," Sarah says. "He asks 'has she been watered today?'"

She probably also thinks that goddamned dress is White and Gold.

I am so heartbroken for how desperately lonely this woman must be to believe this story.

Not humerus.

I dunno... maybe she just shouldn't have swallowed that IUD in the first place.

Hey, you know those people who really like plain cheese pizza? They also listen to music.

My grandmother wore a wedding dress to her own (and only) daughter's wedding. How did that not make the cut?

We judge each other a lot by our homes and judge each other's class position by our homes; homes are a symbol of our class..

Four jobs where the person is addressed by their job title:

FINE I GUESS IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE ANSWER

Oh I also forgot:

My mother. Who took the opportunity during her toast to give my bride my bronzed baby shoes, saying "This is all I have left to give to you of my Gregory. The rest you've already taken for yourself"

My MIL for sure.

My mother-in-law, when my husband's friends told her that she looked pretty, said, "I think I look pretty good for my age. [they nod in agreement] Then how come none of you wanted to fuck me when you were in high school?"

My aunt is very much a free-spirit. She is also very much a fan of white wine. These two factors collided during her son's wedding, when she stripped down and went streaking back and forth across the massive picture windows of the wedding reception venue. Then she ran into the water to "cleanse the blessed union" and…

Who screwed up my wedding? Writer/Director David Mamet (young folks may know him as Zosia Mamet's father). He was filming a movie in my hometown the day of our wedding.

My mother-in-law literally does the shoe thing. We bought her new sneakers once, and she insists she wears a 5.5 which is weird because she has worn my shoes and I'm a 7.5/8.

So at this place, everything tastes like ham?