Whenever your friends suggest an activity that requires a lot of money being spent, suggest something else. If they want to go to a night club, suggest a movie night at home. If they want to go to a ball game, suggest a nice nature hike instead. If they want to go on a trip abroad, suggest spending a long weekend in…

If there’s a news story about “Local zoo welcomes baby _____,” it’s time to take your date there. If you spend 15 minutes watching bear cubs wrestle, and you smile and appear to enjoy it, you will get laid. It has to be a cute animal. You can’t take your lady friend to go see the baby bats or baby sloths.

I can understand his impression of the JFK portrait. The popular image of him is pretty messy.

<pulls out red marker, circles entire map>

The greatest fuck you is realizing you still live in a shithole. Enjoy the rock n roll hall of fame and another finals loss.