No, I win. Nope. Nope nope. I win. Okay. Here goes. It's long but (I think) it's worth it.

Back in the day, I lived in a town house with three roommates. I wasn't close with any of them and they weren't terribly clean, but they were nice enough and I'm fairly laid back.

Marry Michael B. Jordan.

Jez,

I LOVE AIDY SO MUCH. If this girl's in a class with Aidy then sign me the fuck up.

We all started drinking during the Sound of Music....

I will not watch this, but I will second Scott Foley as terribly sexy.

Any time I start to read anything Batkid related, my nostrils flare and my belly starts contracting because I am ALREADY UGLY CRYING. It's instantaneous, with this. I also don't know how long it will go on.

I agree. I really like her and she always looks so chic.

The only Chicago deep dish worth getting is at Pequod's. Maybe Art of Pizza. I may only be saying that because those are the only two places not filled with little girls from Iowa with American Girl Doll store bags.

I love Scandal, but I am TOO DISTRACTED by the "flushing out" mistake to pay attention to this article. Please read this.

Ask the teacher to send you a copy of one of this kid's other writing assignments. Post it to Jezebel with your name on it.

I believe what you are smelling is the distinct stench of someone apologizing not because they are sorry for doing it, but for getting caught.

Well, he can always move to Kentucky and run for the US Senate someday.

Same here. He is still the spandex-clad Pirate King in my mind.

Cut to 6 years later. They both travel too damn much to see each other, he finds her to be difficult and flighty, she finds him stodgy and boring. They have a spectacularly dramatic divorce. She goes back to the stone hut and drinks.

Elisabeth van Lawick van Pabst-Koch

They clearly needed to name their first child Graham.

HAHA I APOLOGIZE. I SPENT MY CHILDHOOD WRITING FANFICTION IN A TREE. I don't recognize pop culture references from before like 2000 :(

Okay, I'm about to win a horrible person award but I don't care: I find this story frustrating because I have absolutely no idea what actually happened. We have vague, emotional language on one side, and corporate speak that says nothing on the other. Odds are the guy did something sketchy. That's about the only thing…