From what I read, her “DJ’ing” consisted of playing Brandy’s “The Boy Is Mine” 10 times. In a row.

So a week after I started this job, a guy who no longer worked at the publication I worked for died in a car accident. I never met him, and he was a copy editor so it wasn’t like I was familiar in any way with him through what he wrote.
But nevertheless, the EOC said everyone needed to go. So I went. And somehow the…

Many years ago at the group home for developmentally disabled teens where I worked there was a resident who really, really wanted to go to the best steak house in the city for his 18th birthday. He had behavior and anger issues, but was determined to earn that birthday dinner, and he managed it. So another staff…

When I hand it to her, I tell her, “No charge for the extra blood!” She doesn’t even blink, snatches the package and leaves.

If you need to leave a boring business meeting, shit your pants. #lifehack

I prefer double-secret menus.

People who like red velvet cake are the same people who like ranch dressing.

...

So, did his gun accidentally go off 5 times? How would that even be possible? Once, I can see. But 5 times??

My MIL’s friend is getting remarried in August. They’re both in their 50s, have fully grown children, two homes full of crap and they have a wedding registry. IT’S HUGE. Four different stores!!! And it’s full of ridiculously expensive shit, like a $700 sous vide machine (not joking). My MIL has “forbidden” me from…

And now I’ll tell you all about me, because I have a (somewhat) similar story. Since my younger sister and I were little, everything in our family has been about her. The question “How will Amy’s Younger Sister feel about this?” runs through my mom’s mind I’d guess at least once a day, even though we’re now in our…

Oh I have the best story about a wedding proposal...

Weird. Embrace The Mustache!

The Tito’s/Tanqueray thing reminds me of this time back in my mid-20s when I went to this party my then-roommate’s friends were throwing. I didn’t really know the people at this party, but there was free booze, so whatever. I’m making random small talk with this dude who, it became quickly apparent, was a total…

This should really be done more than once a week...

That last one reminds me of my favorite commercial ever!

A yuppie and his date came into the bar. It was obviously early in the relationship and he was obviously showing her how urbane he was.

Ages ago working at taco bell, we had 59¢ tacos which came out to 63¢ with tax. If you ordered ten it would $5.90 and $6.26 with tax. Customers always appreciated the ‘discount’ they paid for ten.

I’m pretty sure 75% of my shirts as a youngin’ had my name on them. And I don’t have a terribly common name, so they were all hand puffy-painted by my parents. I lived to tell the tale.