What is this... a wage for arena football cheerleaders? The hourly rate has to be at least... three times bigger than this!

A hero among our people.

you can can have my steak tartare, oysters and Camembert when you pry them from of my cold, dead hands.

Et tu, cantaloupe?

Why do stories, like the one about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, include age? How does that add to the story? Why not include other irrelevant information?

Why would I need a burrito when I have the beer slurpee? ;)

Beer Slurpee Machine. I think you're a genius! AND now I know what I'm having for breakfast.

Well, listen. I have some extra points I'd like to give you, now....Meet me by the Slurpee machine.

"Does one have to light up for this or can you just waft the Camel Lights under your nose and inhale strongly?" That's where I lost it.

What if I smoke Camel Crushes? Where do I fall on the badass scale then?

Whoa. All you need to do to be an old school badass is drink whiskey and smoke Camels? You guys, I'm an old school badass! And I'm even more of a badass than this fool because - not trying to brag or nothing - I've never appeared in a "Twilight" movie!

Pffft. Please. Like you can't do all the science you want with hog's heads, stones and mule femurs.

Good, because we really needed someone to take a couple of photographs to make Bret Easton Ellis seem ridiculous.

" After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box."

Who the actual fuck starred this stupid shit?

Dramatic reenactment of the study:

Once, the KKK stopped the Church for protesting a soldier's funeral, because we live in a weird fucking country.