And the most important aspect of the job is to

I NEED A DOSE OF COOKIE, STAT.

Rapists hate him! Prevent sexual assault with this one weird trick!

“This year, because I am freaking out so much, I just want massages, I want to do like a tea ceremony with crystals and we’re going to eat someone’s face on the side of a highway — we’re not pregnant.”

I put it on in the style of the blue drawing, take it off in the style of the red.

Pregnancy is a potential consequence of sex. If a man isn’t prepared to accept that his sexual partner may choose an abortion, he shouldn’t have sex.

I recognize that Beto is too moderate for a lot of people (me included but I will vote for any Dem candidate in the general), but I DO think that if he were VP on a more progressive ticket - like maybe as Warren’s VP - that might be pretty fucking unstoppable, electorally. Personality-wise, too, he’s got that whole…

Does anyone else dig the subtleties of the cast photo? Erika with her legs spread (fuck you for looking, PK), Dorit unrecognizable, Kyle in the least flattering dress (at least it’s not a muu-muu) and ... ankle socks? And LVP waaaay off to the side, looking like she has a purse strap over her shoulder, ready to exit…

He truly is the David Spade of the Millenial generation.

You must know nothing of duck mating. Bless your mind, keep it clean. 

This is truly an Internet miracle. 

I’m as down for attacking anything Trump-related as anyone else (probably more so), but that tween beside him is a cancer surviving kid, man. She can’t ‘help’ if her story is being used by Dump, and even if they had no doubt that she would be a prop, her parents still did good allowing her to attend to publicize her…

The film is “Bad Ronald”

Does anyone remember that movie from the 70's where a family moves out (or dies?) and another family moves in and the son of the previous owner carves out a space for himself under the stairs and drills holes in the wall to spy on the new family -- especially the daughters -- and then a nosy neighbor notices something…

I had to go in to work last Wednesday and Thursday but it was so cold I was only shot at. It was a nice change of pace.

He’s right about Chicago. I got shot three times today just traveling back and forth to work. This is better than yesterday when I was shot five times. Send amberlamps, plzkthx.

Yeah, that’s like a kid that is being bullied for not having name brand shoes and jeans coming to school the next day wearing a clown outfit with giant shoes.

He had the fact that sharing the name was inadvertent before.  Now he is actively embracing the orange toddler.  Yeah, that should turn out well ...

I can’t stand any of that Jersey Shore nonsense, but Situation was on a season of America’s Worst Cook and it was amazing. Never thought I would end up loving the guy so much, but he came across as just incredibly sweet. He was really trying too and Anne Burrell would call him Mike, Michael, or Situation depending on…

Summarized well by Qasim Rashid:

I can’t wait for the court case, I call Rudy to the stand.