You shouldn’t take a hammer to your iPhone, it voids the warran-

Hmm. Maybe I need to talk slowly here.

I had the same thought. I have 2 friends who could count on me to help bury a body. But a CHILD’S BODY??!! I’d probably call the cops on their ass.

Eating the ends and the sides of chocolate off before eating the full bar is just common sense. Skip steps 4 and 5 though, that’s madness.

I don’t take a lunch break because my asshole company wants me to stop the clock while I’m lunching, so a “9 to 5" is really either an “8 to 5" or “9 to 6.” I have a family and other parts of my life that I like a lot, lot more than my job, and I have a commute through some of the worst traffic in the country. I grew…

HOT TAKE

Mine was that old Cosby Show joke. There was the riddle about the kid who got into a car wreck and his father was instantly killed and he is rushed to the hospital and the doctor in the ER is like, “can’t operate on him- he’s my son”. How is that possible? I was a kiddo at the time, and I was totally stumped. Maybe…

Also, if you’re going to die on the hill that the actors appearances must be absolutely faithful to the book descriptions, we already have a Hermione problem. Book!Hermione is always implied to be rather plain. Emma Watson is very beautiful. Somehow, no one objects to this change.

Yes! The reading comprehension is very low in this one! Like, grade five low. I taught middle school literature for a bit, and the question “why is Hermione’s face described as white” could conceivably be a question in one of our standardized tests. I feel confident that “because she is caucasian” wouldn’t qualify as…

Worst of all? This was the text:

“McCarthy also wondered why actors engaged in kissing scenes weren’t required to disclose their HIV status.”

Criminal Minds-type profiling would tell us that overkill can sometimes be a sign that the “unsub” (culprit) is still taking out a personal grievance, using the family as a proxy for their own.

Lizzie def did it.

“Lizzie’s grave is the only one that’s infested with ants.”

I appreciate that when asked, “What do you want me to do?”
The guy said, “UM” instead of “IT’S A FUCKING BEAR I DON’T KNOW YOU COULD DO WHAT I’M DOING WHICH IS JUST CONSTANTLY SHITTING AND PEEING BECAUSE THERE’S A BEAR LUMBERING AROUND LOOKING FOR SOME CHILDREN OR MATH TO EAT.”
“UM” is far more dignified.

ALSO! I’m…

They chased it out? I guess they haven’t heard of Brown Bear v. Board of Education up in Montana.

God, pencil skirts with their vent sewn shut make me want to wander around with manicure scissors.

Um, no.