...Wow.  What the heck is wrong with these people.

Preach.  My mom’s trying, but she’s 80 so it’s rough getting her to understand that drinking at parties isn’t permission for a “boy to try and pull a fast one”.

That was my takeaway and how I presented it to my rather conservative mom (who for some reason is stuck on Ford going to parties). “Well, he started out by screaming for half an hour, and then he started interrupting and back-sassing senators, and there was some rambling on about conspiracy theories...” “Oh... that’s…

HE NEEDS TO SPEAK A LITTLE LOUDER. BARELY AUDIBLE IN MISSOURI. 

I thought ahead and grabbed one of mom’s blood thinners to avoid rage strokes. 

Didn’t one of Judge’s ex-girlfriends come out with something like this?

I had a bowl cut through a lot of grade school because Mom would stick a bowl on my head and cut around it. It’s not a good thing. 

I don’t have enough box wine for this shit show.

I immediately imagined them all as the Debbies from The Oblongs.

I hate that this guy is our biggest chance for the Mueller investigation to succeed. There’s no middle ground for Sessions!  Go Sessions!  Stand your ground against The Goat of the Orange Woods!  But fuck you Sessions for literally every other breath you take!

All that, and Hawley has one of the most punchable looking faces I’ve ever seen. 

Her hair’s up when she’s being all fighter pilot, so I’m going to go with Common Sense being knocked out of her along with her memories. 

I’m never eating mushrooms again.

I would not say no to a phone made from unicorn semen.

At least as far as Kansas City is concerned, you can drive twenty more minutes and hit up the one in Kansas. ...and isn’t that pathetic, having to rely on Kansas. 

Why do people think virgins don’t know anything about sex? I’m a 35 year old virgin, but I have ears. And there’s this thing called the internet. Also, our media is completely obsessed with fucking. The man’s 26, not 10, and wasn’t raised in a convent. Even if he was, a large enough amount of nuns came into it after…

My uterus is independently angry outside of my own anger. Does that count?

I’m more offended by his inability to write professionally than anything else. Suddenly it feels as if I’ve been underselling myself my whole life. 

That was my first thought. Like, seriously, don’t just abandon the lady who was on her way to the hospital. You took her ride, so be responsible and finish up her ride.