@Xylo: She seems to involuntarily wink/smirk when she says crap like that too. Robot, anyone?

Ooof, he just threw a good punch with that Bridge to Nowhere line. Suck on that, Paaaaiiinnn. UGH, I'm slowly turning into a 10 year old!

Someone please tell her to stop looking at me, stop winking at me, and to FUCKING LOOK AT GWEN WHEN YOU'RE SPEAKING TO HER.

I would bet Eva Longoria got her shoes at Contempo for $9.99 five years ago. On the other hand, they're probably Louboutin, hurt like hell, and are worth more than my life. But still.

This whole thing scares the shit out of me more and more every day. When the Kerry debacle happened...and I just couldn't believe it. I remember driving to class the next day and having this huge discussion with everyone like, what the shit just happened?!? We had one Republican in our entire graduating class (art…

Actually, I know who the dude in the background is. It's that guy from the Sharp TV commercials, with the white hair and the blue serial killer eyes. THAT'S the guy, because he visits me in my nightmares.

EXPLAINING. Yeesh, crummy keyboard buttons.

@westvillagegirl (exhiled in chicago): Yes, thank you for explaning. Because I think mirrors are alive with the sound of music, or in this case, the sight of CREEPY!

I don't see a single thing wrong with the Duravit ad. I mean, the dude watching in the background...is he any more creepy than the two mirrors on the wall, staring down this poor lady like the all-seeing, all-knowing eyes of our purest god almighty??? I mean, come on now. Overreaaaccttiiinnngg.

@TheVaginaWig: I totally would. Though by now, I'm sure his mail order bride has been delivered and it's clear from what I've shared that monogamy is this dude's MO.

Do not get so drunk that you pass out on the floor half-naked, gurgling about how fat my ass is. Then, do not proceed to bang your fist on the floor and direct me to bring my ass over to you so you can touch it.

@morninggloria: LOLZ at the hard cock thing. I think I'd do one of those gasp/shock/laugh/spit-in-yr-face things if a guy said that to me.

@TheVaginaWig: Yes, totally gross. I had to hang up before I withered into a prune from being so disgusted. He called me back enough times that I had to turn off my phone. Mhmm. Four lovely reasons why I no longer speak to this fellow.

21. Do not "accidentally" spill your drink on my crotch, and then proceed to help clean it up with your bare hand.

I believe Keanu Reeves is the "One."

Note to LL Cool J: stop selling your wears at Sears. My cousin is a manager there and says that people regularly poop in random corners of the store. Yes, poop. Is that the kind of debauchery you want associated with your image?

wow, I never get here in time to truly experience all the liveblogging. i was too busy bawling my eyes out 2 feet away from the lappy, while everyone else in my house tried to drown out the sound of obama's voice with their snoring. yes, i think we definitely need some change around here...

It truly pains me whenever I'm reminded how deep my lust for Michael Phelps is. Women all over the world just want to rip those little speedos to shreds. Can't he just start workin his way around? And start on the eastern seaboard first?

Even though Daniel sounded sadly oblivious when he was telling the judges how impeccable his taste is, Kenley laughing like that was so unbelievably childish and rude. If I were standing next to her, I would've knocked that flower off her head with my shoe.

Thanks Jezebel. Thanks. Thanks for making my day slightly more cloudy with this crappy crappy little nugget of reality. I mean, srsly, all children are cute, come on. COME ONNNN.