GREAT article. It's odd, I've always had this sentiment about myself. My teenage years were terrible...if not for any reason other than my crippling low self-esteem. I was always way too perceptive about my surroundings and intensely self-aware. This made me the opposite of the pretty girl...and unfortunately, I…

Ahhh yes, the choking game. When I was 14 we played this at a friend's apartment when her parents weren't home. Apparently I'm not nearly as stupid as my friends were because I didn't try it and wouldn't dare do it to anybody else. But I watched as two of the guys held down one of the girls and choked her until she…

When I grow up, I want to take fight crime with a mohawk made of chocolate, in camo underwear and shoes made of gold.

Oh please, oh pretty please don't bring this girl into the American media machine. She's got enough attention from everyone else for doing absolutely squat. Now, pardon me while I get back to my freshly delivered issue of People mag OOOH LOOK IT'S LINDSAY...

I can't even make a snarky joke about this. I just feel like grabbing a hold of the nearest stuffed animal and going GAARRGGHGHBLAHRGHAGHDFLKD!*#@!!**!!. See? I'm proof. Proof that this darn tootin' telly show of hers is spreading the Hogan halfwit gene around the world, and my poor teddy bear will be the next victim.…

Seriously, this is how a lot of European guys act. One of my best guy friends/friend with benefits has said shit like this to girls, right in front of my eyes. It's unbelievable...but the smarmy accent and cocky attitude helped him get away with it alot of the time. However, on the occasions it did not, it was brutal…

Are people who use Apple too cool for fingernails?

Earlier this morning I was channel surfing and came across some stiffly-coifed talking head on one of the news channels, stopping just in time to hear him blabber in a thick southern accent, "having two members of the same sex get married will teach our children that union between a MAN and a wo-MAN isn't sacred…

@pandorasmittens: Ditto, well said.

I can only hope that I look as awesome when I'm her age. Meanwhile, excuse me while I go dye my hair shimmering silver.

Next month's feature? Zoning in On Step 4: How to Shave Your Vag (With Clitoral Avoidance Maneuvers Included!)

I'm 22, graduated a year ago and I still live at home. My sister is currently 29, and lived with us until she got married, also a year ago. Yeah, it sounds absolutely CRAZY to most people...but the reality is that she didn't want to leave, none of us wanted her to leave, and I don't really feel the need to leave. Yet.

I must confess. I own the twilight sunglasses in that exact color. And I love them.

I'm just waiting for the day she dyes her hair black, jumps into a tar pit, rolls around in some charcoal and gets paved into Robertson Boulevard by accident. Man, that'd be so goth.

This is the stuff dreams are made of. Once you're on the Gap's naughty list, ain't nowhere else to go but doooowwwwn. Watch out Dollar Store, watch out.

I have nothing snarky to say. I just want to tell the teeny tiny lady in the background with the ponytail to run, run away fast. Because if she trips and falls, you're a teeny tiny pancake.

Let's hope that in the future, we can all claim to have cheekbones as razor sharp as those of the decapitated robot head. Daft Punk is sadly, now just Daft.

Something tells me Bravo is that much closer to finding a 6th cast member for The Real Housewives of New Holy Shit Those Are Big Sunglasses.

Can someone just scrub her clean, seat her nicely in the pink Corvette and send her to the Dream Mansion with some freshly baked muffins? Please?

@tessworld: [www.perezhilton.com]