All I want to do is pick up that car like a tonka truck, lube it up with some vaseline, and ram it so far up his ass that those rims could be a new pair of hoops. Forgive me for the violent imagery, but yeah, that's about it.

Seriously, what the hell was up with those judges? Is it really possible to become that jaded by judging DOGS? The two women I saw towards the end examined the dogs with these looks on their faces like they were holding in a silent but deadly. If that were me, I'd just pick up each dog and just squeeze them and hold…

I love Agyness' style and I am truly embarrassed to admit it. In reality, she looks completely ridiculous but she's so good at bullshitting it that she makes sad, frumpy suburban girls such as myself feel horribly, horribly pedestrian.

Spoiled. Rich. Bitch. No. Talent. Boring. Famous. Why. Why. God. Why.

Those aren't boobs. That's two wads of tissue paper, one whole water balloon, a teaspoon of vanilla pudding, a handful of marshmallows, a pinch of hope, a smidgen of dreams, and two giant, giant bags of liquid GHB.

Who the hell ever said being all symmetrical and shit was a good thing? Rihanna's haircut doesn't think so.

Would someone please remove the mask from the space where Miley Cyrus' face used to be?

I'm thinking this all has to do with that whole sickly, androgynous, pre-pubescent blank canvas thing. There's nothing more blank and plain than a blonde-haired, fair-skinned girl with poles for limbs and a lack of life experience to complete that vacant model fierce stare.

Very true, all the girls are odd looking this season. Like someone took a couple of strippers, threw them in the dryer and they came out all warped and lumpy. It's been bugging me forever, trying to figure out who the hell Daisy looks like. Then I realized she looks like Daisy Duck after eating a lemon or smoking a…

Yeah, the first time I saw this I was mesmerized because it's totally stunning. Then I felt a little sad that it ended up being about Tylenol. I'm all about the Advil.

I really just wish fashion designers would get this right. Take the damn wirehanger, put the damn outfit on it, hang it on a pole, roll it on the runway. There. Done. No skin or bones can get in the way of the fierceness.

I hate that I love Christian. What's weird is I had this annoying little friend in highschool who said the EXACT kind of shit that Christian says. When he opens his mouth, her nasally voice comes flying back to my head. She was a chick, but I often think a small gay man was wearing her skin as a ferrooshh catsuit.

It's entirely possible that Oceanic Flight 215 crash landed somewhere on the foreskin of Chyna's pe-gina.

Yeah, I'm not jumping off the thong bandwagon anytime soon. Even the cute tiny undies (as opposed to the white pantaloon types) shift around all day. If I don't constantly adjust, by the time it's 5 o'clock I have a giant wad of cotton in my butt. I'm positive a tiny string of cotton in my butt is a thousand times…

YAY!!!

Speaking of which, the last time this happened, I got to 8 dropped milk bags after 40 minutes, and decided to see how long it would take to get to 10. After 45 minutes, I was already on my way to the shower.

Ah, yes, the Skene'zz. Otherwise known as the Fountain of Youth. Indiana Jones be damned!

I'm gonna be the grumpy old lady here when I say this, but this absolutely INFURIATES me. How is catering an item of clothing (or anything at all) to a specific race supposed to be empowering and positive? As if to say all Latinas (or all Asian, Black, White, Middle Eastern, etc., etc., etc.,) women have the exact…

The whole UTI thing was completely new to me. I lost my virginity like a year ago with guy who somehow managed to bang me for over 6 hours. (I realize a whole year later that he must've been some magnificent freak of nature...too bad he was a total douche). Anyway, somewhere after hour 4 it started getting a bit arid…

I was always a tall, skinny girl. Bad when you're 12, awesome when you're 22. Sadly, after 12, my big Bolivian hormones caught up with me and this gigantic ass sprouted, using its gravitational pull to suck up any remnants of breasts I was meant to have. Mosquito bites 4EVA.