I imagine he’d be saying (in Latin or Arabic):

I would definitely watch a show where DJ and Kimmy are married to each other and have three adorable boys.

I have an aunt who is a nun who is nearing seventy. The thought of someone doing this to her makes me violently ill. Perhaps carve or tattoo "rapist" into their foreheads, a la the swastika in "Inglorious Basterds", so everyone knows who these people are when they are inevitably set free?

My dog pissed in the hallway today. #RupertsFault

I have to go to work tomorrow. #RupertsFault

I slipped on some ice on the sidewalk today. Thanks a lot, Rupert.