the comments on this thread are all solid. excellent jokes all around. give yourselves a pat on the back.

Grl I crush three Aleve before breakfast! (aka period cramps nightmare time) Sorry about your tears :/

Paxton used to be my state rep (Collin County anybody?). He was a dipshit then and he’s a dipshit now.

My dad and both my grandpas are dead, and at least 2/3 of them would have wanted to stay off the grid and not get identified in pictures. (And I follow in their footsteps.) So I hope it’s okay if instead I tell a quick story about each of them. Which will probably also identify me, but only to people who know my…

Awww I love that story! My ring is also not a diamond - it’s a green tourmaline, which is a stone I had never heard of before the ring-buying process. So far no one has side-eyed it to my face, but also it looks like it could probably do magic, so they might be hedging their bets!

I will viciously bite the ankles of any humorless people who give you shit for enjoying short jokes, because I can’t reach any higher than that.

I’m not going to lie, I make short person jokes sometimes. But I’m a tall, chubby, not really pretty, clumsy, nerdy but non academic non-achiever. And guys seem more likely put off by tall women than short women. So its like... let me have this, goddamnit. Let me joke about how you can’t reach shelves, so at least I…

I love these! I kind of consider my engagement story to be one of mutual proposing. We were both adamant about not being the “marrying type,” and strangely enough, finding someone with that similar view made me start to consider marrying him. It was early in our relationship, before we probably should have been making…

I beat my wife asking me to marry her by literally minutes. She had got an awesome ring and planned on asking me on the 4th of July in Washington DC at the Mall during all the fireworks. I had planned on doing the same. We both got exceptionally tired and we were resting in the Museum of Modern Art. I decided ‘what…

for everyone coming at you for saying you taunt people for being short that is hilarious keep doing it and I approve

Anna Merlan: “I woke up this morning in a nightgown and have since put on [yoga] pants. THE NYT IS ON TO SOMETHING.”

I’ve always thought of engagement parties as something rich people and/or people in TV and movies do. I don’t know anyone that has actually had one in real life. I think one of my aunts may have mailed us a congratulations gift card too, but there was no party involved. For us poors, I feel like an engagement party is…

This doesn’t really answer your question because it’s tough to see the dress, but here are two Instagram photos from the wedding. The floral budget alone must have been insane.

This. Is. Ridiculous.

Why is anyone bothering with children when mine are OBVIOUSLY the cutest, smartest, and most talented and there’s no way anyone else can win? Idiots.

I haven’t been waiting on purpose. It just hasn’t happened yet.

When I first moved to NYC, I lived across the street from John Legend when he was still living in the East Village. Me and my friend used to run into him at the coffee shop on the corner. We were law students and he always said hello and asked how studying was going. I later saw him at a “Meet and Greet” after a…

This song is forever linked with the funeral service of Mo the dead fairy shrimp I grew for my students I taught science to. When Mo was the first to die, my one student insisted we have a funeral for Mo. We shared our favorite memories of him floating in the tank, we lit a memorial candle for him on the Internet, and…

I lost my mother when I was an infant. I remember neither her smell nor how she looked. My dad raised me and I love him more than anyone. I feel like when he dies, most of me will die as well. But I still cannot imagine doing anything really fancy with his ashes. I mean, I’d scatter them over somewhere important to…