Most likely there are legal implications to consider — blasting his face on Letterman and accusing him of theft without any actual evidence might be grounds for a lawsuit.

That number would be pretty much everything, too. In fact, I'm having trouble coming up with a body part that does fit with society's ideals. Perhaps my liver, because it is an alcohol processing beast?

I think its more factual, like they could have subbed in "Taco Bell" for "Chinese Food" because both, when purchased from mall-type vendors, result in not-too-swell feelings in ones tummy.

Yup, I've been doing that for years! Every so often I'll drop off a box of good ones. But they aren't willing to take 15 boxes at a time!

We're past the wedding phase in our lives but my friends all know that I won't even consider attending a baby shower if I'm not "allowed" to have either champagne or "secretly" bring my flask. Does this make me a bad friend and/or alcoholic? Maybe. But I don't care.

Pigeon! I love it!! It is possible, we only adopted two of a litter of 7. Of course, they're 15 now, so that plays into it as well. In any case, Pigeon looks adorable from behind! Hee.

Or Almond milk. Yum!

Been there, done that. Who hasn't sucked on a penis straw at a Bachelorette party?

That's assuming he is capable of cooking whatever you've got on the list!

Yes, doing the class together makes this a great idea!

What's wrong with Simon Cowell asking for a DNA test?

Heh. My husband (well, soon-to-be-ex) has told me I read too much. He also banned me from purchasing any more books after he bought my my Kindle for Christmas several years ago. I just don't get people who don't like books. I mean, I LOVE my Kindle but there is just something about being surrounded by books that makes…

This .gif is pure gold!

Desk Ennui — hence why I'm on Jezebel from 9-5 Monday thru Friday.

They're always condescending because they have to appeal to that ONE FUCKING MORON WHO CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE A REFRIGERATOR LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING HUMAN. It is frustrating, to be sure.

One of the best days of my professional life was the day I got to re-enact that fax machine destroying scene with my own personal Fax-a-saurus.

We're required to print emails and are only allowed to keep a backlog of six months worth in our storage. I agree — I prefer to just search through email with a keyword rather than slog through paper files but hey, I work for a dude who finally upgraded us from Windows 95 two years ago! (LOVE MY JOB THOUGH!!!)

May I play?

That cat's name isn't Fork, is it? 'Cause if it is, you and I have some serious chatting to do. (It looks exactly like Fork from this angle, so I must ask. And based on your postings, you could actually be the woman who owns Fork, so I must ask again)

Which bookshelf do I use? The one packed with King and Grisham? The one with nothing but Roberts and Robb? What about the one that's packed full of conservative "non-fiction" from a decade ago (yes, "non-fiction" requires quotes)? That shelf should net me some real winners!! All I'm saying is that my books are anally…