Love these options, but I prefer Ditch Sex Hickie to Sex Ditch Hickie. It’s got a little more romance to it.  

When I watched my car’s odometer hit 111,111 miles, I was more excited than I care to admit (though it was several years after Nigel Tufnel Day).

You now have 30 minutes to move your cube

should be yellow.

Is that Torch’s new electric car???

That is either the tiniest wheel or the biggest mirror...

Though his demise was tragic, many have seen McCandless as a contemporary transcendentalist in the vein of Emerson and Thoreau. 

I like to think McCandless would have thought twice about his adventure if he knew that Henry David Thoreau lived next to Walden pond - as in the front door of his actual residence was a little over a football field away from the shore. Roughing it in the woods while getting closer to God is a lot easier when your mom…

The Sith Order is making our friends and partners aware that Darth Illarus, director of public relations, has been supplanted by his apprentice Darth Malingus, who bisected his previous supervisor in his sleep. Please update your contact lists accordingly. We appreciate your understanding as we undergo this transition.

We, the Sith Order, would like to clear up our use of terminology on this particular point. While our apprentices still use the term “master” from time to time, this is an archaic throwback to the times of the wretched Jedi Order that demanded fealty and subservience be acknowledged at all times. We no longer support…

Always two there are - a master, and an apprentice.

Taking flame-broiled to the next level. Your move Burger King. 

Much like a teenage boy that has had his mother walk into his bedroom without knocking, Trump assures us he was “only looking at it”

I would definitely replace the 710 cap just to be safe.

Better check your blinker fluid while you’re at it... a leaky speedo is only the beginning

I know you’ve heard or read about this recent quote from Howard Stern, then:

This Real Genius fans agrees.

To quote Terry Pratchett:

Let’s film Helen Mirren dressed as Queen Elizabeth II reading this so Damon can get a screenwriting Oscar.

I think the real problem is that not enough trailers look like this: