What kind of deity are you? You would have been worshipped if you had shown up at my house after my kids were born.

I have SERIOUS THOUGHTS about baby gifts.

For real. When my best friend had her second baby, I sent a few things for the kid (who was destined for hand-me-downs anyway) and the older sibling, but filled the box with tons of “so you’re going to be living on the couch for the next two weeks” goodies. Think magazines with 45's face blacked out, crossword…

I would have loved an L.L. Bean boat tote filled with essentials.

Who wants to bet that Lisa was a whiny brat who served a much better purpose as a delicious snack? 

The parade of commenters who don’t “get” the piece, with varying degrees of indignance, is one of my favorite parts of Cannibal Witch’s posts.

Sophie Turner is flawless and went through puberty with astonishing grace. I want to know who was mean to her so I can go full Faceless Man on them. 

When Kelly got her appendix removed did she yell out “ Steve Carrell !!!!”

Actor Peter Mayhew, best known for playing Chewbacca in Star Wars, has died.

I’m so glad she admitted that she doesn’t know anything and she hasn’t learned! She is correct because I don’t know what else explains her dogged support of Woody Allen! I also believe that should disqualify you from being in a serious relationship or parenting a child! Thank you for not having done those things!

Who?

It’s amazing how the tabloids have done a 180 in regards to Kate and William. Now Kate is living embodiment of all that is good about the UK. Dog whistling at its finest. 

In fairness that is a solid plan. 

Congratulations on your engagement! How lovely!

Step 1: Be born rich to a man who was born rich.

And they try to say men don't hate us. And they try to say we have equality now.

This is the weirdest f-cking version of “women are too emotional” I’ve ever heard. 60 minutes is old and tired. You do you, Oprah.

“So I was working on pulling myself down and flattening out my personality”

Oh please. This was really about some crusty white guys who didn’t want to be outshined by one of the most famous black women in America, especially not for the sake of diversity.

Apparently, it wasn’t just her own name she declined to say with 60 Minutes’s requisite lifelessnes, but she was also told she had “too much emotion” in her voice while reporting out stories. “So I was working on pulling myself down and flattening out my personality — which, for me, is actually not such a good thing,”…