Engagement fetuses FTW! Locking it down harder than platinum and gold, for generations! Proud to say I too kept the tradition alive.

I’ve previously made my dislike of diamonds known here, but I discovered that my mom has my great grandmother’s gorgeous platinum diamond engagement ring. And it fits me.

“How dare you not offer an open display that you BELONG to someone else?!?!? Only another man's claim on you will make me leave you alone!"

Yup. While it was far from an everyday occurrence, it happened a couple of times in the same bar in our town. She had the audacity to talk to dudes, which I guess meant he thought she was DTF, and they specifically gave her shit about the fact that she doesn’t wear a diamond and accused her of being deliberately…

My friend has the most gorgeous moonstone for hers. It’s a perfect little sphere, all by itself, and it’s beautiful. And bizarrely, she has been accosted at bars and accused of being a manipulative harlot* because she doesn’t have a diamond, and how else are people going to know that she’s married? People are…

I’m reasonably sure I saw that on buzzfeed at one point. So yeah... Engagement guns. Wouldn’t surprise me at all. Even I know someone who received a gun for Valentine’s Day.

How are this many people so new to the internet? And how did they end up on Kitchenette as their Orientation Day site?!

It’s a late ice cream! It’s shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! It’s fucking snuffed it! Any statements to the effect of “this ice cream is a going concern” are from here on inoperative!

You mean it’s fjord-flavored? But what flavor were the fjords before they put the ice cream in?

Red and crunchy.

I was at a Logan’s and the couple behind us were being so rude to the waitress, berating her and treating her like she was an idiot. She came to us next and you could tell she was upset even though she was very friendly and professional. My pregnancy hormones took over my mouth when I opened it to order my drink and…

Freezer? Dry ice. The glass too. You want that look of surprise when she can’t get her lip unstuck.

Nah, I say go full Hammurabi on them. DEATH TO THEM AND THEIR HOUSEHOLD, AND SOW SALT ON THE GROUND.

Between the people who don’t actually understand what they are ordering and the people who really want to order a milkshake (can I get a frappachino with seventeen shots of caramel and toffee, please?) but need to pretend they like coffee, I don’t know why coffee shops have become so popular and necessary to everyone,…

I’ve joked on occasion that everyone working in the service industry should be able to kill a set number of customers per year with no repercussions. Say you had five allowed executions each year, and when you used one the cops came and officially marked one off. Customers would never know if a given server or cashier…

yesterday i went out of town with a friend to an outlet mall and when we were done shopping (in the south, on a sunday afternoon) there were two options for a sit down meal between the mall and the highway. we chose cracker barrel. i knew it would be a special kind of hell.

Not a BCO obsessive, eh? Russian family, “I SAVE BREAD!”? Ringing a bell?

God, that last one is like a Monty Python sketch. It’s ex-ice cream! It’s ice cream pining for the fjords!