I am sorry that you had what sounds like a bad experience. However, your experience is an anecdote, a very small sample, and does not represent how this world works.

BTW, a common joke within the community: Anyone who insists on honorifics doesn’t deserve them.

And see here’s the reason that I see people like…

You claim to have experience with it and yet don’t understand that BDSM doesn’t necessarily include ANY hitting, any humiliation, or anything that could be construed as violence by ANYONE.

See, you keep saying “using as an outlet for violence” which shows you have even less of an understanding of these things from the top’s pov. Most sadists I know are non-violent. I’ve never seen my husband raise a hand or even threaten to outside of a negotiated situation. And there have been times when an…

So a feminist man doesn’t set a broken arm? Because, trust me, that hurts! He doesn’t help you in a yoga stretch? Because that can hurt too (in a good way). Much like a deep tissue massage—hurts SO good. And if you knew what you were talking about, you’d know that a flogger across your shoulders does much the same as…

Oh, and just to be clear, BDSM doesn’t necessarily include ANY violence. Some of my favorite scenes have not. In fact, I laughed hysterically throughout them. Much to the top’s delight. In fact, I had much of the room laughing with me.

Again, it’s important that you know what you’re talking about.

Ah, there you go, taking away my agency again. I chose my wonderful, loving, supportive, feminist husband quite willingly, knowing precisely how he is wired, precisely because it complements how I am wired.

And be as skeeved as you want by what you don’t understand. But stop arguing that it causes rape culture.…

(chuckles) You’re less far off than you think you are. And let’s be clear: there’s a difference between what I was raised in and what I live in now. But because of what I was raised in, I’m a hell of a lot more resistant to what I live in than a lot of people. Which says little about me and everything about those who…

Actually, you do not know what world I grew up in. And I’m gonna bet it wasn’t much like mine. My worth and value was never defined by my sexual availability and desirability—I grew up with different yardsticks because feminism defined my world pretty much from the time I could talk.

Which meant I had to fight to…

And you don’t understand what you are talking about. Boundary pushing is something that is negotiated. As in, it is discussed beforehand. As in the dom has active permission to push that boundary, expressly given by the sub. Think of it like a personal trainer, if that makes it easier. You engage a personal trainer…

Pushing a boundary is not in the same category as violating a boundary. Nor is having a boundary pushed a step toward violation. “Pushing” is a psychological activity and is usually largely pleasurable and ASKED for by the sub.

You really need to stop making declarations about our world and start asking questions,…

When you say “Women are not here to be an outlet for sexual aggression” you are literally removing agency from all women. You are ignoring the possibility that some women might choose to do so.

Or might choose any one of a number of other things. Women are not here for ANYTHING. Because we are not objects. We are…

“what statistic am I supposed to find acceptable when it comes to people being victimized and having their consent violated in BDSM?”

I thought I was pretty clear with you the other two times I said this, but I’ll say it again: any peer reviewed study—because that’s what I would expect on ANY topic.

And yes, the study…

You don’t get to decide whose pleasures are acceptable. The two (or more) adults people actually involved get to do that. End of story.

And stop trying to deny me my agency. Thanks.

“

Has the possibility that the men who indulge these fantasies in our bedrooms don’t watch that porn occurred to you?

The 1 in 3 stat (violation of pre-negotiated limit/safeword) is from the NCSF, which is an internet based, at-will (self-selecting) survey. You could take it as often as you wish. It’s about as unscientific as you can get. No wonder you didn’t want to link it.

If this is the kind of “study” you’re having to hinge your…

If you are referring to the NCSF survey, it’s methodology is HIGHLY flawed (as anything done with Survey Monkey would be). So again, anything you have that’s peer reviewed, I’d be happy to look at.

I would be happy to look at any peer reviewed study you post on the subject. I will not, however, take your prejudiced word on anything.

While we have some in this thread suggesting that there is a connection between the male dom/female sub dynamic and the pervasiveness of rape culture, my experiences within the community have been more in line with yours. Things tends to be healthier in the scene than out of it.

I wish that male doms and female subs…

When you say that there’s something wrong with men who, when in the middle of a sex game are told no, can immediately turn it off all sexual aggression and instead show unbelievable tenderness and caring for their partners, when you suggest that they are the problem rather than part of the solution to rape culture,…