Are you trying to get gun shops attacked by BEARS?! That’s attempted murder, yo.

“What are you in jail for?”

I really wish Rolf Harris’ UK trial for sexual assault were better known in the US. It has some similarities to the Cosby case and, while I’m not entirely happy with the outcome, the experiences of the women who testified provide a model for how Cosby’s victims might be offered a voice. Many of the women who took the…

I remember my mother laughing hysterically at this comic panel when I was a kid. It took me like ten years to understand why it was funny.

My childhood was absolutely filled with explosives, thanks to my older brother and his best friend. Sparklers were used like lightsabers, bottle rockets were aimed at each other as weapons and sent down gopher holes, and Black Cats - cheap and plentiful - were used to explode tent caterpillar nests. (And, on one…

They should absolutely keep it. My favorite toys growing up were the totally messed-up ones: the bald Care Bear,the stuffed rabbit with two left legs, and, of course, the “sand” box that was actually full of rocks because my dad filled it with a bunch of dry cement that he stole from a construction site. (He thought…

Well, there was the whole thing in San Fran about making the nudists put down a damn towel when they’re on public transportation.

My grad school university had a research project which attempted to gauge whether Tasers were potentially lethal when used on people who were in chemically altered states.

Absolute garbage person. The social safety net is the only reason she, her mother, and her daughter were able to have the possibilities they did. Now she’ll slit the throat of anyone else born in her circumstances.

I keep imagining these increasingly awkward conversations between Trump and his daughter:

The dumbest possible way to date myself: I totally always associate this song with Candice Bergen, as Murphy Brown, holding her baby for the first time.

I will say that, when I was living long-term in countries with unfamiliar food cultures, eating American garbage food was a way to deal with homesickness. I once had a friend ask if I wanted to go in on a pizza from Pizza Hut; I gladly gave her the money and told her to order whatever. I literally cried when we got it…

A veteran’s guide to Hogmanay in Edinburgh:

I keep thinking of Mitchell & Webb dressed as SS officers and the moment Mitchell realizes that wearing skulls as part of their uniforms might mean that they’re the baddies.

The Murder Machine, all of seven pounds, who was first declawed and then exiled by her former owners because she wouldn’t stop attacking every other animal she lived with. When she couldn’t claw them, she’d just punch them in the face. This is her using a desk lamp as her personal warming booth. She is my snuggle…

Hah. I have used my crotch as leverage for snow shoveling a million times, and occasionally run it straight into a snow shovel handle while sprinting my way along a cracked driveway. Flinched, kept on shoveling.

I will be one of the people who needs to be put down for the good of what remains of society, because I will immediately lose my shit and begin slaughtering my way through everyone I encounter. Your dog? I will eat your dog. Your toddler? I will absolutely eat your toddler.

Yes. This makes literally no goddamned sense.

I SAY WE SET UP A GIANT FLOOR TROUGH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL HALLWAY THAT EVERYONE SQUATS OVER!!!!

“Every filthy faggot and worthless dyke deserves a father and a mother to tell them that they make Christ vomit and they will burn in hell forever.”