I’d like this approach if it had a different tagent. e.g.: “My Uncle never makes me uncomfortable. Why isn’t everyone like him? My cousin boozes with me, and always makes sure I am safe. Shouldn’t all cousins be like that?”

When I learned to drive, I was given over to my older brother. He made me learn not just how to change tires, but also how to change the oil by myself and memorize all the parts of the engine before he began teaching me how to drive a manual transmission.

There is, I shit you not, a drink called a “Hemingway,” which is absinthe with champagne. I once convinced a group of friends we should try it with a bottle of absinthe one had smuggled back from overseas in the days when absinthe was still illegal in the US.

I’ve taught her A Small Place to many classes of incoming undergraduates. I love doing so because she’s so fucking pissed at tourists, colonialism, white people, corruption, you name it, and it just knocks all of those eighteen-year-olds right off their rockers. “What is her problem? Ugh!”

My first semester teaching, I had this terrifying nightmare about missing my students’ final. It involved me losing all of my clothes and wearing a bedsheet as a toga, a massive snowstorm that caused all the bus service to shut down, my car breaking down halfway on the drive to campus (at which point I began pushing…

Man, I spent some terrified times in junior high on Mister Twister, the now-defunct, once-famous, entirely wooden roller coaster just outside Denver. The ride itself was scary enough, paired with the violent inertia of being pounded into those hard, old seats at every turn. Being made of wood meant that the whole…

Taro?

Well, I’d say it’s no more dangerous than some OTC drugs. You know what the #1 cause of acute liver failure is in the US? People taking too much damn Tylenol.

When a Swedish friend visited me in Colorado, she could not get over some of the names.

“Surprise, honey! I snuck a water balloon in there for you!”

I was planning on giving The Real O’Neals a shot because the American Family Association already sent me an email about how it’s an evil show about filthy sodomites.

Oh, thank god. As I believe that drinking anything with gin is like being beaten in the face with a pine tree, most of my knowledge of the components of a dry martini is based on something my father said to me in junior high while we were watching Live and Let Die.

Did the featured quote sound weirdly apocalyptic to anyone else?

Oh, I saw a version of that story.

Coffee presents a strange and confusing world to me!

I used to have a gig at a small coffee shop. Most of our business was drive-thru. There was a woman who’d come in on most of my shifts and order an “extra dry cappuccino.”

Ha, I am on the other side of that spectrum. “Can I have an everything bagel with, like, a pound of cream cheese and all the lox you can fit in it? Seriously, if there’s a way I can pay you to put more dead fish into a bagel that already contains onion and cream cheese because I want my breath to have lethal force all…

I remember hearing “I’d eat the corn out of your shit” as a come-on in the recent remake of 2001 Maniacs and realizing it was one of the worst films I’d ever seen. Not the worst, but one of the worst.

WTF is happening here? Is this field rusting? Why is there a field of grass that has turned a virulent orange? Did he shoot it into rust?

So when is Jeb just going to straight-up say he hates all the kikes and cunts on the Supreme Court and demand that Scalia be allowed to whp them to death in the public square?