I’m going to insert “You like Brazilian music?” randomly in conversation from now on.

This isn’t about alcohol, which I understand to be very bad.

I’m still waiting for the CDC to issue warnings to all men over 40 who are sexually active on the dangers of producing a child with autism or other health problems.

I just don’t understand those estates. Like what are the odds she’s even been in every room? What is every room for? Why do I have to walk halfway across the house to get to my en suite bathroom? It’s all just so damn wasteful and unnecessary.

Look, I’m sure I’m just wrong about this because I don’t “get” the sport fandom, but why the fuck are your kids so broken up about the loss? It’s a game, there will be a winner and a loser, and it doesn’t have to be a big dramatic deal, and you shouldn’t have to hold your family’s dignity together with the patronizing…

THAT is the deal with Kate and the coats? I always assumed it was just, “Look at all the pretty coats I own.” It’s 2018, no one is going to think a married mother of three is a whore for taking off her fucking coat. I hope when the Queen dies, so too will that assery.

Population growth slows down pretty rapidly when you give women control over their own reproduction, and when you empower them to control their own economic destinies. I’d rather folks focus their attention on that than on trying to get a relatively small number of relatively affluent women to refrain from bearing…

I disagree. Everyone agrees he’s a talented guy, but he phoned this one in. We’ve been seeing him perform for years, we know he can put on a show. If he had brought out the other NSYNC guys for a couple of songs, that’s what we would all be talking about. Or if, like most recent halftime shows, he had brought in a…

You know, people complain about white women who call themselves feminists not caping for women of color, particularly black women, but damn, white women aren’t even caping for themselves. You have this women essentially throwing all the women who contributed to the media men list under the bus for the sake of her…

That sounds like way too long to wait for an I love you. I might wait a month after saying it to someone, but then I would ask if they love me too, do they have any commitment issues, did their last partner ever say it... stuff like that.

I always wanted a house with a name. Since I finally bought a house, I named it. And then made it a name plaque. I hung it today.

Dietary changes can induce weight loss, and some can also induce muscle loss, depending on the diet. If you are doing resistance training of any kind, you will gain muscle first, which has a greater density than fat. So your weight might stabilize for a bit or even increase, but once the muscle starts burning fat,…

I need to vent. I just called my insurance company to find out why there was $5 increase on my policy after I removed The Asshole from the policy.

I’m looking forward to this bringing down Tarantino. Overrated hack

“Former Vet,” unless he has also been a once-but-no-longer-practicing-Veterinarian, is an oxymoron- veteran means someone who has done something in the past; you can never stop being a veteran of something you were a veteran in the past. If you want two words you could say Military/Army veteran, or “Former US Army…

My dad would do it just to be an asshole about me not checking in.

1.) Is it bad that I was hoping that Dad was going to get some good licks in on Larry before anyone could intervene?

I, for one, am glad we dodged a bullet! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, SHE HAS A VAGINA!!

Painting is NOT his strong suit.

There would certainly be less outrage over his nuts than if he knelt during the anthem.