You talk a lot about the physical aspects of age, but neglect anything about mental developmental.

My sister and wife were going to get prairie dresses, but they died of cholera.

Right. Like, I think the bear probably doesn’t reason it out the same way a human would: “Oh, poor, sweet little baby! His family must be crazed with worry! And it’s so cold out; I shall keep him warm and safe until he is found.” But emotions are biochemical, and there’s absolutely no reason to think that an animal -…

While I find the kids story highly unlikely, and three year olds generally not credible at all, the expert running their mouth about anthropomorphism still manages to annoy me. Like there is a 99% chance he is right, but his ability to peer into the heart of an almost certainly imaginary bear and find no pity or…

There certainly are adults who have an emotional connection with children, sometimes more so than they do with adults. Mr. Rodgers was definitely someone who connected emotionally with children, probably in part as a way of healing his own inner child. But like, he didn’t shower kids with gifts, he didn’t pick out…

“I am technically guilty of this crime but seriously fuck this for being a crime”

For real. I would consider letting this go to trial and see if a jury of my peers would convict me. 

I don’t think you could have a prouder moment than turning yourself in because you fraudulently obtained some medicine for a poor and sick child.

“This bitch [oh excuse me ‘b!tch’] lyin’!”

So... is Weight Watchers turning into a cult?

It’s a Fed prison I think, so maybe not maggotty Aramark food, but (hey, full disclosure, Vegetarian here),

If anyone was that envious of people eating steak off a tray in a prison cafeteria, there’s an easy hack: Commit a crime. Done. You’re no longer an unpaid corrections officer, but instead get the same food for Christmas.

You might take a second look at your ageist implicit bias.

Besides, he totally doxxed himself to cultists who need a virgin sacrifice, they're gonna have to pony up for extra security now

Its probably both. Nursing homes are terrible.

If I were a man on that staff I would insist on having my DNA sampled to prove that it wasn’t me.

“...none of the staff at the Hacienda HealthCare facility knew the patient was pregnant until she went into labor and began moaning.”

To be fair Johnny Depp wasn’t terrible taste until sometime in the mid 2010s.

Thirteen year old me had pretty terrible taste in men. See Johnny Depp, Kirk Cameron, Scott Baio, and that boy in my eighth-grade class who become a hedgefund bro and helped break the global economy.

If the IRS would kindly wait until after I passed before trying to collect, then I would be a happier woman. Once I’m dead then  one way or another, I’ll have no further use for money and they and my family can duke it out without me.