My first month living in San Francisco, I got on the N train for my morning commute. It was cold season, so I paid no attention to an old Asian lady coughing. Until she got a clear plastic Ziploc baggie out of her purse, opened it, and spit what she just coughed up into it. The baggie was already... rather full. And…

You learn so much about other peoples’ body issues when you lose weight. One of my coworkers who I adore, and who has been heavier in the past but is now thin, commented on the fact that I’ve lost 30lbs in the last year (I took up running). She asked if I planned to lose any more and I was like, nah, I’m actually…

Seriously. The scar on my thigh is twice the size the mole they removed was. There’s literally a divot in my toe from another mole removal. As long as they’re not a cancer risk, I never want another one removed. I like my body’s constellations.

Any time I am in a dark room with someone I try to come up with an excuse to read them “Look At Me” because it freaks EVERYONE out. This has not been good for my sex life.

YES I WAIT FOR THIS ALL YEAR. Last year I sat in the candlelight in our common area at work and read a dozen of the stories aloud to my coworkers and got some actual screams (especially “Turn Around”). It was amazing.

Did I need a fifth pair of oxford shoes? No. Did I just impulse buy my fifth pair of oxford shoes? Sigh.

I saw him outside the Scandal set a few weeks ago and freaked out because SO PRETTY

I was at a studio in LA right next to where Scandal was filming last week and I ran into Matt McGorry. I can attest that IRL he is just as hot, if not hotter.

I was at LAX on Friday afternoon and a guy took one of these through security, stood on it, and rolled to his gate with no security problem. Well, except my eye problems from rolling them so hard.

My mom and I got wine-drunk at dinner 3 years ago and stopped in a Sur La Table and I convinced her to buy me one of these. I have used it once as a banana slicer and a dozen or more times to threaten boyfriends.

I was so proud of myself because I was starving by lunchtime today and I still ate a healthy meal of rotisserie chicken and a salad. Then I ate 14 Andes mints at my desk while reading this article, even though I wasn't hungry anymore. Blame my finite store of mental energy for exerting self-contOOOO I FOUND MORE MINTS

Nah, I've got acanthosis nigricans. Even though my blood sugar is totally normal, I was obese as a kid and it just never went away. It's also on my neck, which I just use as an excuse to amass a badass scarf collection.

Same. Mine are so bad I haven't worn a sleeveless top in public since I was 11 :/ So when I see people with perfect pits I can't stop staring at them. Deodorant commercials are like someone advertising a pretty unicorn I can never have.

I watched The Babadook last week with my boyfriend. I did what I always do when we watch horror films: I put on a brave face for the first half, went to the bathroom, read the full Wikipedia plot description so I knew EXACTLY what would happen in the second half, and then played it cool through the rest.

Excuse the giant photo ripped from my Instagram because RESCUE KITTIES ARE THE BEST-CUE KITTIES.

The opposite of my all-time favorite unsolicited OKCupid message: "no booty for a big chick huh"

My boyfriend read the book, I didn't. We both liked it a lot. Apparently the movie is much funnier than the book, too.

I think TJ's discontinued their bibimbap bowls. Those things were the best frozen meal ever. I used to buy 6 at a time. Got me through my first year of grad school. Assholes.