Cromulent is the bestest of all the words and is only made better when followed by “embiggens [the] spirit.”

I would happily proofread/fact-check for Jez if they just pay me a little.

It’s not shake.

For a mere $5,000.00 I will light your expensive weed for you, inhale it, blow it into a hand crafted gold leafed crystal chalice, and deliver it to your door. When you get the munchies I will also eat snack foods in front of you for the low price of $350.00

She’s trying to change weed’s image with her Beverly Hills Cannabis Club, which sells “designer” pot targeted to women that runs for $700 an ounce and comes wrapped in gold foil. To go with it, she’s created a range of $15,000 pavé diamond vaporizers (“why not make it a luxury fashion accessory?”), plus she’s got a…

Did your dad take photos of him smiling every animal he killed. I hope not. Because the fact that she celebrated killing is the sick part.

The whole eastern conference (as much as i’m behind the celtic’s wunderpush for the title right now).

They said what?!? E! Online continues throwing major shade at Kara Brown through misuse of the word shade. Her response is THE BEST!!!

Since I am totally the Allen in my relationship, I can totally leave a message just for Allen, right? Ok, here goes. I hope you are listening (um, reading?) Allen:

"Can we just get a pretzel instead?" Allen asked. "You like pretzels."

I like to tell myself I am not insane concerning my relationship, no way am I like Mark, but then I try to measure the cat to decide which hot dog costume I need to order and I put Easter bunny stickers on my boyfriend's phone and he LEFT them there. They're still there. HE LOVES ME AND WILL LET ME HOTDOG THE CAT and…

“Keep that p***y tight while I’m gone.”

Contempt for women and an utter lack of self-awareness.

Netflix makes me laugh and never asks to hit the bowl, but never judges when I do.

He wants a woman with back problems, apparently.

Taylor Swift’s friends say “no more cats!”

Alternate headline.

Madonna fans out there: can you help me understand not being embarrassed by her whole look these days? It’s not so much that it’s age-inappropriate, because she’s goddamn Madonna and she can wear whatever she wants, and I’m not interested in forcing a woman of any age into some socially prescribed model of…

“The officer said he could feel the unborn child kicking, but the district attorney declined to bring charges of resisting arrest, obstruction, and assaulting a peace officer.”

The fetus was clearly reaching for the officer’s gun.