If my parents stop giving me Christmas presents just cause I have kids I will CALL THE FEDS.

I seriously don't understand the Santa thing. My parents always said, "These presents are from your grandmother," and that seems like a better way to inculcate some small sense of gratitude in the black heart of a child.

My great-grandmother, who left her alcoholic husband when he began beating her during her pregnancy, was always angry about the virgin birth. She spent a lot of time researching it, and when she found out that it had been added to the canon later on, that sort of set her free.

Ugh. It's delightful anecdotes like this that make me wish high schools taught self-respect.

I'm surprised anyone would ask their wives to smuggle in drugs, knowing the penalties could be so stiff. Did a lot of wives get caught?

Maybe you don't need to avoid all white people, but you need some more time with your black friends?

Well, you really can't expect all black people to have the same ideas of how a white person should act.

I think the central problem is that no matter what actions a white person takes, no matter how many books they read or movies they watch, there will always be an understanding gap. And part of the gap is that white people don't know it's there.

How can you mess up prepackaged potatoes that get dumped in a deep-frier? Do they not have oil? Oh my god, do they not have oil????

I have no idea what a liter is, but I can assure you we need that sugar to keep our eyes open during American Idol.

They're not really saying that fructose is bad for you, only that if it's all you eat, you'll get a lot of highs and a lot of crashes.

The resources described in this story are not scarce. It's not like an ultrasound machine will break if it's used on a woman who turns out not to be pregnant. The technicians can use it on her, then use it on another woman.

I'm confused as to why this man thinks that a local police department would have any influence over an NFL team. It's like if I ran at Zeus with a butter knife.

Hey, hey, let's keep it civil.

A good argument for keeping a supply of backup dads in the attic.

This is what I was wondering! Did she maybe mean dead soldiers? Is someone in her family struggling with a terminal illness?

Ha! My goddaughter's reaction, when her parents told her that Jesus was always watching over her, was pure fear. "He's watching me right now?"

A lot of my ESL students wrote that they were thankful for me, and it makes me think I didn't properly explain the meaning of the word thankful. Either that, or my name is one of the only English words they know.

How many jewels does she have? Or maybe she's thankful that others have jewels, because that would be kind of selfless.

The Willow thing made me think, I'll admit. I teach elementary school, and I know my students at best think school is okay but would rather be doing something else. At worst, they hate school. But what are their other options? I think they would start liking school a whole lot after a few years in a Nike sweatshop.