Safer than an homage to William S. Burroughs.

Boy, these animals aren't like us. They're specifically bred to be eaten, and genetically modified for maximum flavor. When our chicks first hatch, we lovingly inject them with natural delicious hormones, which makes them meat, thereby erasing any moral gray area!

I had a friend in high school who was convinced that the lead singer of True Sounds of Liberty was really a secretly still-alive Jim Morrison. He was very passionate about it.

Boarding a flight last week, I was pulled aside for extra security, including a pat down and a search of my carry-on…which included a copy of a book called The Plot Against America featuring a swastika prominently on the cover.

I'm very sorry to hear this. All my best.

Hurtful.

Ah, I love this Newswire so much, I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

No joke: I read this and decided to blow off work for the rest of the day and get completely baked and watch stupid television shows and read Newswires.

I executed procedure 865-Delta, code name… the Old Switcheroo.

Or Sterling Archer, recruiting for the Archers of Loafcrosse?

Everything with Reagan has been gold. I love the soldiers' impressed whispers about Ron staying to clean up the sludge (after Reagan ordered someone to stay and clean up the sludge):

Kevin and Drew's reactions were priceless, too:

Claude Rains pouring out the Vichy water at the end of Casablanca.

The rumble!

His character isn't given a ton to do, but Zak Orth brings it.

Aww…JaneSays2! I've tried to keep up with you all and your hilarious reads of the show.

Rhonda: So, what's your story, Mr. Thing? Are you like big man on campus here or what?

All right, last paragraph:

"Maybe it's true what they say. Teenagers are archetypes. If so, they were all here. The nice guy, the popular girl, the rebel, the goody-goody, the ladies' man, the sweetheart, the theater kid, the flirt, the sidekick, the wild man, the jock, um, that guy. No, I've never seen her before.…

Poor Lindsay. She's been friends with them for *twelve hours*!

The cheerful perversion of time is a fertile source of jokes for WHAS: a federal court case that goes from the first report of misconduct through to trial (and post-trial extra-judicial executions) in a single day; an acute case of puberty that causes a little girl to transform into a randy thirtysomething in a matter…