If you cook it that long, I would argue it’s not meat anymore. Charcoal is vegetarian, right?

Right!? Criminally underrated.

RE: Gina’s story: The Simpsons taught us the opposite long, long ago.

I feel like cookie dough is objectively more delicious than cookies. I don’t even feel like this statement is an opinion. Like, cookies are weird and dumb and frequently gross, crumbly pieces of shit (and even at best, they’re just tolerable), while cookie dough is an extension of the joy of the universe.

“EAT YOUR SHAME CREATIONS IN SOLITUDE LIKE THE REST OF US, FREAK!”*

Paula Deen’s entire career is based on this simple yet accurate principle.

I work in Ayurveda (alternative medicine) taught to me by Indian physicians. One day a lady came to me and asked

Ugh, I have an old person ordering the wrong thing in Baker’s Square story. We took my 82 year old great-grandmother Christmas shopping, then stopped there for lunch. When she was looking for chicken tenders on the menu, she noticed something she had never seen or heard of before: chicken stir fry. She asked my mom…

I’ve actually got a nice old people story to add this week!

You mean like this gem?

Noone expects the Spanish monogrammed thermos! Their weapon is surprise!

Car broke down? Have a cup of tea. House on fire? Have a cup of tea. World ending? Have a cup of tea? Out of tea? Have a cup of... dammit...

For your tea emergencies, always remember to carry a thermos of tea. To make sure your thermos does not get confused with others during said emergencies, I recommend getting your thermos monogrammed.

My little brother and I talked about opening a coffee shop just so we could come up with our coffee sizes. Decaf would not be an option. Starting at 12 oz (that’s right, the smallest cup we would sell is 12 oz, man up buttercup) and increasing in 4 oz increments:

I feel like no matter where you’re from, if you’re attending college you probably ought to know that Tokyo is not in China.

I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know my cheddar biscuits will be free. And I won't forget the men who died, so I can bitch about automatic gratuity.

Hawaii is part of the U.S. I'm not a "foreigner."

For that first story... was that Felt? I always suspected something like that would happen there.