"Everyone. Everyone! EVERYONE LISTEN UP! WOULD YOU ASSHOLES IN THE BACK HOLD UP THE I AND THE X HIGHER SO THE BAND CAN PLAY 'KISS ME'? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE WHOLESOME FAMILY FUN."

What you guys don't know is that it's a graduating scale, with additional perks for vets in their 5th year, 6th year, and so on until you hit your 10th year and you get to fuck a drunk chick in a bar bathroom.

Todd Haley once accidentally went to a ROTC meeting in college, so which one of you sister-banging sons of bitches wants first game?

And that's why Always Sunny In Philadelphia is the most unsexist show on television.

Given this calming influence, I am shocked Ndamukong Suh turned out the way he did.

"Our crowd. What a bunch of fucking fair-weather fucking—they can all kiss my ass out the fucking door."

Everyone else must just be stuck in traffic.

Is that twerking?

Those so-called journalists are so unprofessional. Saban made it very clear what they were to ask about, but they apparently feel like being "reporters" at a "press conference" entitles them to cover a story directly pertaining to the football team. Some people...

Age: 15
Location: movie theatre "watching" Da Vinci Code
Partner: formerly hot ex girlfriend that is now fugly
How it went down: the theatre was empty because lets face it, who the fuck actually went to see the da vinci code? she started off by taking my hoodie because she was cold. We made out. She then proceeded to…

He didn't mean to imply Coach K was there, he was simply citing him as an expert on blowing your seed.

THAT is an SID who knows their shit. RAISE FOR THEM. Great way to handle an inquiry.

It's not that bad.

I've fucking seen it all now.

How far can you punt a football? Asking for a friend. (He's an NFL GM.)
...
(He's laughing.)
...
(He's calling all his GM buddies.)
...
(They're laughing.)
...
(They're still laughing.)
...
(They're watching tapes of you punting a football and puking from laughing.)
...
(They're deciding which one is gonna call you and pretend to…

Last year during the Cowboys/Falcons game, Al Michaels said "Love them or hate them—you just can't ignore the Cowboys." That is just some bullshit copout excuse by the media to justify covering the Cowboys non-stop. You wanna know why the people "just can't ignore the Cowboys?" Because THE MEDIA WON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP…

10-bath? That's like 40 john walls right there!

She now has a completely new memory to dwell on when she stares out the sunroof from the backseat of her night manager's Camaro, waiting patiently as he finishes his 'Quarterly Performance Review'.

Ricky Rachtman just had the most explosive orgasm ever recorded.