i actually fend off all my undesired suitors with a sawed-off shotgun while whistling the farmer in the dell so yeah same

It would take all of my willpower not to reply with this gif.

To be fair, Dude #7 gave her 6 whole days before he broke out the bitch. And he told her she looked good one time, so that seems like a reasonable escalation.

"men aren't taught that pillar of adulthood, disappointment management."

This makes me want to live off the grid by myself. Like Nell.

Everyone involved in this seems to have handled things responsibly and the way they should be since the tragic accident.

You can exercise while pregnant, if your doctor says all is well. Pregnancy isn't an illness. It is a state of health.

I have a mini weenie dog who often poos in the house. We actually keep a chalk board in the kitchen that says "it has proudly been (insert number) days since our last poop related incident. " she is up to six. So proud. Unfortunately she feels no shame when its zero

I've posted this on Jezebel before but it fits so well here too.

I shit my pants last week. I don't know if anyone has ever seen the 4chan greentext about pickle shits, but I have learned that it actually might be true. I was eating the last of the pickle chips in the bottom of a jar, and ended up drinking about an inch or two worth of pickle juice to get to them. About 20 minutes…

The worst poop of my life occurred while I was on active duty, training at Camp Geiger, NC. We had been eating nothing but MREs for 2 weeks, which are notorious bowel blockers. At the time this poop happened, I hadn't released a kraken for a few days and was starting to get concerned.

We were doing some physical…

known for...her accurate horoscope forecasts

Yeah, unless she was eating sunscreen, I'm pretty sure an SPF allergy isn't going to come into play.

...beans are a type of legume. I looked this up beforehand to make sure, and I just looked it up again. Beans are a subset of legumes. Go look it up.

Guest: "What grains are in the Arugula & Grain Salad?"

I work in a university cafeteria (mostly for employees/the public, not like a student-only one) where we have several stations—Deli, Asian, etc—which you think would be a fairly recognizable concept for most Americans. Each station has a huge, idiot-proof sign over it.

When I worked as s a server at a vegetarian joint in the Bay Area, I heard a lot of weird stuff from customers.

Proof that I am evil: Many years ago I was having a really rough time. My life was collapsing in every way possible, and things were only getting worse. I didn't know it at the time, but I had just gotten a new telephone number that was one number different from the local pizza place. Here I was trying to get a…

My ex worked in a breakfast diner for years, and the orders that would show up were very, very creative. "Rare steak, no blood", "Breakfast bagel, no bread (so... eggs and bacon?)", someone who claimed a gluten allergy and wanted her burger served with a flour wrap, etc. The best part is when I'd go to visit him and I…

The allergy lady has the mentality of my five year old. My five year old can eat pizza, but is "allergic" to the crust. She is also "allergic" to any yogurt covered raisins or pretzels - but can eat yogurt, pretzels, raisins, and powdered sugar separately.