“I would never buy a piece of clothing for more than $20! I am morally superior!” [goes to buy $20 dress that could not be produced without the existence of really horrible working conditions both overseas and along the supply chain and that will almost certainly need to be trashed in a few washes]

To garnish the martini. What do you think we are, Republicans?

I know where I’m going for vacation.

Because choco syrup is more high fructose corn syrup than chocolate or choco flavoring. I’ve made it that way out of desperation at home and I will not make that mistake again. What you end up with is beige-ish, very sweet, hot milk.

After 14 years of marriage, I discovered that he was cheating on me with someone who pretended to be my friend.

Got cheated on. Lost 40 pounds in two months (NOT healthy) and cut my hair off. I was running (because running all the time and living on lentils is how you lose 40 pounds in two months) and my hair tie broke. And because I was not living in a thinking rationally state of mind at the time, this is how my thought…

Gosh...where do I start...aganist appeals of “please don’t do it just pretend it didn’t happen” from all my family and closest friends who met and spent lots of time with him, I wrote an epic tale of his lies, deceit and crazy double life to his wife, parents, his brother and his best friend - all who supposedly knew…

My favorite one so far has been the voodoo hex. Look into that one.

This is a really great story and I’mma let you finish, but the image of a drugged-up girl laying intubated in the ICU writing “Beyoncé?” desperately on a piece of paper for a confused, pitying nurse is the funniest fucking image of all time.

Ha! He did tell me later he was looking over his shoulder for months. That wasn’t my intent at the time, but I wasn’t mad at either.

I screamed “Fuck you! I’m moving to France!”

My only serious college boyfriend and I were both huge stoners and our relationship mostly revolved around smoking out of his giant, beloved two-foot decorative purple bong named “The Mystery Machine,” having sex and playing Super Smash Bros. Melee. He was in the Army ROTC had to enter the service after college. Since…

I have ex stories, but those are not fun. I do have a concert story to share that I wasn’t able to last week because it was the end of the semester and I had four different things due and had no time for anything else. It is a long story, but I love it.

Insurance companies are truly the devil. There has got to be a better damn way.

True story: I did military Honors for a woman who was in the marine corps in ww2. She ended up being a colonel. Can you imagine how tough that means she was? All veterans plaque thingys look the same. They have name, rank, service, years of birth and death, and a quote. Hers was, hand to god, “it’s five o’clock…

When I was on active duty, I was in the honor guard for three years. So I went to about 1500 funerals. I guarantee that approximately 1499 of them would have checked the strippers and snakes box were it available to them.....

Two little girls did this routine in my room today!!!!!!!!!

Mark, your comment about the neighbor kid practicing his trumpet reminds me of a very special upstairs neighbor I once had. This kid was born to shred the recorder. He sucked really bad at first— hours of painful off-key tootling every day for months. Then one day, just a few weeks before we moved out of that…

How about I said what I said for a reason.

So an extension cord would be unsightly and dangerous but an extra long cord doing the same exact thing in the same exact place wouldn’t?