They were both standing, staring off into the distance right in our direction, but made no move to answer the drive-thru window

As someone who, for reasons I don't understand, can't stand cheeseburgers and has to verify "without cheese" at every single restaurant, the greatest moment of my life was when we went to a kosher restaurant near my friend's apartment, and I start explaining to the guy that I want a burger with NO cheese, like I…

The guy asking for the bacon sandwich in a kosher bakery week after week is a raging anti-semite and an incredible asshole. He knows what he's doing and thinks he's making some sort of stupid point.

I'm so glad the baby punting story ended with the parents apologizing.

"If a mosquito bites you, that mosquito was meant to bite you," he explained.

Well have I got the community spiritual center for you!

i'd bang him like a screen door till next monday

These customers remind me of the dumbest person I ever had walk through the doors of the Borders I managed after college.

I have the feeling that there are enough Iron Shiek stories out there to do a BCO just on him. He's like the definition of performance art.

I think the type of work is of critical importance in deciding your degree of impairment.

John Kameroff, you sir, are hilarious. A tip of the monogrammed thermos to you.

I think Kim looks more like one of those Dark Crystal geldings.

GET IN LOSER, WE'RE GOING SHOPPING (I need to find another hilarious line that conveys this same sentiment)

I ran over a cat on the highway once and had to pull over because I was crying so much. A highway patrol stopped and I was crying and it was around Christmas so it was all "merry Christmas, I killed your pet." He tried to make me feel better by telling me that maybe it was a wild cat and not someone's pet. He was…

DID WE JUST BECOME BEST FRIENDS?

I'm pretty sure I'll never be 100% over my ex but also I don't want him back or send declarations of love on the internet. Too much.

Donald Trump blocked me on Twitter. I'm pretty proud of that.

Rodman. Dennis Rodman.

Dollar store Lenny Kravitz