Weekend Update is awful these days, but from everything I've heard, Cecily wanted off the desk because she didn't have enough time to write/perform sketches, which is what she loves.

No, Kanye. No. No. Unacceptable.

"By the way, it's very hard for a woman to want to be [with a man] who's been with Amber Rose. You know what I'm saying? I had to take 30 showers before I got with Kim."

Yes, you asshole, we know what you're saying.

I feel like this was a game of Two Truths and a Lie.

I have no clue who Amber Rose was with before she got with Kanye, but I'm unfortunate enough to know about Kim's boyfriends, ex-husbands, and sex tape urinator. So....

This could be the greatest achievement of my life. And I'm ok with that.

I'm just biding my time until I'm old enough where it's expected that my eyebrows are crooked and I have lipstick on my teeth. Right now I just look crazy. When I'm old, it'll be okay.

And, crucially, most of the dogs the dogs pitted up against her were men.

YOU SEEM A LITTLE TOO PERSONALLY INVESTED IN THIS

Pshhh she didn't "bark in agreement"

r.i.p. to the creators of that site. the beygency probably got them by now.

I normally don't wear makeup due to a combination of laziness and not liking it, but I had my makeup professionally done last year because I was a bridesmaid. It looked so cakey and weird to me in person, but I looked amazing in pictures. That insane looking makeup definitely serves a purpose.

Beyonce superfans are the absolute fucking worst and please, I beg of you, come the fuck after me.

You know who has really great skin? Beck.

Those eyebrows don't lie, though. High fives to whoever does hers.

Photoshopping pics of Beyoncé to make her look bad...

OMG BEYONCE HAS PORES?!