I can finally have a bowel movement! Thanks, Ed!

That's why they revived Battle of the Network Stars!

I know. Does no one hold this country sacred? Benjamin Franklin did not die in the Battle of Waterloo during the Civil War for nothing!

Damn it, McClane.

You just know that she's gonna win handily while Franken barely squeezed by in MN.

The robot suicides have already started.

Shit In A Bucket Republicans are the new Log Cabin Republicans.

Isn't there an MCAT or Tough Mudder equivalent for people wanting to run for office? This door opening seems a little too wide.

"There was Code Red coming out of her whatever!"

Carrie Underwood as Colonel Jessup!

The TV series was a play all along!

That's what he said.

I should be in Hollywood.

Lindsay Lohan listing?

I watched The Zookeeper's Wife. Does it make me inhuman to say that I was…unmoved? The movie was kinda cookiecutter. I know there are infinite points of view through which we can look at the Holocaust/WWII, but this one was really pretty predictable.

Woody Harrelson: "You know what time it is? It's bedtime for Bonzo."
***shoots talking ape in the face***

Zombie Swayze will kick you in the pachanga!

***Bloody Mary appears in mirror***

Gretchen Mol! She's the "It Girl", right?

Soon they'll be training females on hand-to-hand combat against White Walkers!