Those are literally the words the police chief used. What’s the matter with you?

It’s too bad the only two dudes with thumbs had to die. They made movie reviews easy to understand.

Knowing cats, when presented with the options, Achilles will run to another room and barf on the carpet and then hide under something for a few hours.

Is he saying his grandfather’s wiring killed himself and 3 others?

You have already defeated yourself.

My grandpa owned his own business. Every day he shut it down for an hour so he could watch Sesame Street over lunch in the breakroom. He made everyone who worked for him (about a dozen people) join him. You had to have a pretty good excuse to not watch Sesame Street with him.

Jesus, the person in the red coat riding at that point just disappears into the tangled wreckage.

‘How far can a football punt you?’ - Reverse Raysism

I’ll grant the lady this much: by backing up at the end, she produced the first evidence I have ever seen of reverse racism.

Neiko Thorpe and Mike Tyson are not stadiums. They’re bipeds.

You’re aware that stadiums and salaries are entirely different things, right?

If anything, the people of Renton are known for their nuanced but racist understanding of Washington State tax law.

And I’m sure that’s exactly what she was trying to say in between her Pall Mall-tainted spittle attacks.

I would absolutely watch a Wide World of Sports that was just Darren Rovell attempting basic motor skills.

Birds are good. Did you know that if you give a struggling cancer patient a bird, it magically transforms their cancer from being their number one worst affliction to their number two worst affliction?

Seagulls are flying bags of shit.

Spanish speaking countries are great places for serving missions because you can usually find Jesus

I suppose you want to take my baby’s gun away too.

I’d be looking at porn on my phone if I had to sit through that.

Take that, Huey Lewis!