That is straight-up awesome.

Actually, I was being facetious. The worst thing I ever did during my long tenure in the restaurant biz was to touch someone’s food before I took it out of the kitchen (one, quick, tap with a dry fingertip). Nobody would get hurt, and I still felt better.

You’re hilarious.

I promise you that these are the same types of parents who believe that the whole world is their babysittter. The bathroom, with the changing table, is literally 20 feet away. There are two of you in the lobby. One of you can damned well pick up your little shitmaker, and change them in the bathroom, while the other…

You, clearly, have not done this work long enough. It will come to you in time.

A work colleague of my wife’s was at a sushi restaurant for the first time. When the food arrived, he asked what the green stuff was, and some asshole at the table said it was sweet and he should try some...so, he grabbed the WHOLE THING and popped it into his mouth and swallowed. My wife said she thought for sure…

That’s okay, I hate Illinois Nazis, too.

If some 0f these people had been born as sea turtles, none of them would have made it to the ocean.

Sometimes it's just not that simple. My wife and I don't oral each other at all—but it's because she neither wants to blow nor get eaten. Now, mind you, I LOVE IT when I can make her come. I like to know that I can make her feel good—and, fortunately, she's able to do that with intercourse alone. Also, even if I…

Psh. I totally called the kazoo, even before I got to the part where Drew nailed it.

Not so much with the mental issues—but dead on with the culture of never being told "no", just because he can play a fucking game.

I used to work at a place that was somewhat known for its ribs. We served them by the full and half rack. At least once a day, some dumb fuck would ask me, "what's the difference between the full rack and the half rack of ribs?" I used to tell them, "nothing; one just costs twice as much."

1. White person here, who doesn't want anyone to say it, ever.