Hell is an endless maze of sports arena bathrooms where adult men wearing football jerseys are waiting to piss on me.

I spent 30 minutes repeating ‘oh yeah? well what about....’ before deciding that I agree. There have been bigger pieces of shit in the NFL, but no one who has personally carried out crimes on this scale. Other players either didn’t personally do ti or chose victims less likely to fight back.

I have a scar that commemorates the time I grabbed the fajita plate from the waiter out of excitement.