“That ain’t no fucking triangle. That’s a square.”

#blackcoffeematters

Remember kids: Black Lives Matter is a bunch of whiners who are looking for reasons to be offended. The real oppression is a lack of Christmas iconography on your coffee cups.

I don’t know. They may have a point. Those cups don’t look anything like the ones Jesus drank his Gingerbread Lattes out of.

Can you please write all soccer columns from now on and just pay Billy to stay away from a computer?

Right. “Free”.

You should comment less.

wait, hasn’t the world already decided that Chris Brown is a piece of shit?

I heard he can also do this thing where he hits the ball all spinny and makes it bounce sideways.

What’s next, a highlight of a tennis player putting the ball between the racket and their shoe and picking it up that way?

You know that virtually any high-school level tennis player can do that, right?
#alwayshighlighttruthers

So you have never played tennis or even watched it much have you? This is pretty easy to do.

How can this man expect to be taken seriously as a football coach if he acts like a human being?

You know, I said this on another Evil Week article the other day, but this also crosses a line. There is no good reason for you to be teaching people to do this. At all.

As though I didn’t know perfectly well that this was the quiet car. (I didn’t, as it happens, but now I am on the defensive.)

....Weird Al is cute. I don't know how to feel about this.

I would say it’s beneth the dignity of Congress for someone to settle a stupid bet by singing a stupid baseball song on the floor of the U.S. House, but the past few years have shown that nothing is beneth the dignity of Congress.

Great work, Tom! He sounds insufferable. Was he?