I'm sure once they come back he can whip them into shape.

I like leading my girlfriends into tiny rooms, then removing the door and replacing it with a stone wall—waiting for them to eventually die. Turns out, it works in the Sims game too!

Apparently Justin Bieber is supposed to be on the first scheduled flight. So there might be a silver lining to all of this.

Pun was totally intended.

Classic, "Porn Star feeling rejected and butt hurt" routine.

Those damn introverts...always detached emotionally, but somehow there when you need them.

At least he pulled out. Amirite?

"Grrrrrrrrowl"

The homosexual community is fully behind the Bears.

Game 1...of 82. Fucks given: 0

Valid point.

Slow day Deadspin? This was Game 1, right? Of the 2014-2015 SEASON?!

It's so blatantly obvious that everyone in this commercial is of a different race, yet they all refer to themselves as "beeps." Now they all probably want to be "American" and get married and stuff.

He's highly skilled at turning any open-ended question into a closed-ended one.

How does this keep happening? I feel like this happens at least once every year in high school football. Race the defense to the end zone for a safety. Something other than standing there dumbfounded. Probably too busy thinking of the next hazing ritual.

"Me too."

I don't speak a word of Portuguese, and even I was uncomfortable.

Does attending class count as community service?

To put it into perspective: A DUI would have cost him around $3000, 20 hours community service, and a one-game suspension. So remember that kids, the next time you want to make a little extra money on the side playing college football—drink and drive instead!

Maybe he'll play in Seattle one day...