They can’t do a worse job than she does. I actively celebrate the times when I manage to slide into a matinee and completely miss that pre-movie bullshit.

What are some schweet things I should be doing during my free time (which is all the time) that I won’t be able to do once I’m boarded up in an office, no longer sucking at the teat of an upper middle class upbringing?

Damn, people have some deep fucking trauma about changing up their oatmeal.

I said to my wife, “how come no one drinks ginger ale except on an airplane?” She says she loooves ginger ale and buys a twelve-pack on her next trip to the grocery store. Months later, there's still eleven cans left.

No Cuban bread? What the actual loaf, man? Pretzel bread is the Joey Fatone of sandwich bread. Cuban bread in its current form has been around for more than a century. And not that Miami garbage that chews like second hand cud. I’m talking the original crispy-yet-tender Tampa variety with the palm frond baked in it.…

do pancakes count as bread? if not, then I’ve said too much already. hey look a squirrel that looks like Lincoln chaffee

Saw The Who a few months ago in the company box at the Pepsi Center (I KNOW, IT’S A SELLOUT MOVE AND THE VIEW SUCKS). Had limited expectations since it’s only half the original lineup, but Pete and Roger fucking rocked. And Zak Starkey joined in on drums. It sounded if not exactly like The Who, pretty damn close.

Your rankings are an immediate lie because you have no mention of Hawaiian rolls, which should be at the top. As such, I can only assume you are working with ISIS to break up our great nation by not even acknowledging Hawaii’s existence.

Worst to touch: used condom or soiled diaper.

Eh...find a way to the west coast where the best nug and waves are. If you can find a buddy with no compass, take him with you.

What kind of party are you going to where the expectation is a case of beer AND a bottle of liquor?

If I was unemployed, why would my mom get to pack me delicious Lunchables every day?

Are you the guy who wrote the “what to do while unemployed” letter?

I go to Deadspin to check if the internet is working!

Also, my new personal favorite, naan. It is so soft and yummy, way better than wraps and even Pita.

Drew, you need brioche bun. None of the crumbs of a croissant, all the heart stopping buttery goodness.

When Gawker is bought by some anonymous Chinese holding company, I hope they can get some decent medical coverage so Drew can finally get a backiotomy

I’m not a rye fan (other than whiskey) but Sourdough is a goddamned national treasure.

Bagel in the cellar at 18 and goddam hot dog buns in the top ten? Jaaaaaysus.

You have lost your goddamned mind putting rye and sourdough that low on the list. You need to rethink your life.